At the traffic lights, waiting for them to change, so I can cross to the bus stop at the other side of the road. An old lady, with a pink jacket and big sunglasses, and those long pearl necklaces old people seem to like so much stands near me, as part of a larger crowd at the lights, clutching a rather capacious old black handbag.
Old Lady (upon observing me press the pedestrian button): Did it work? Sometimes it doesn't work...(squinting at the bus stop over the road) the other day...
The bus pulls in at the bus stop, and people start getting on. We cannot, as the lights have not changed.
Old Lady: This happened the other day...now it'll leave...
The lights change and we begin crossing. Halfway across, the bus pulls away and drives off.
Old Lady: Oh SHIT!
And so I turned back around and went to the library and read a book for a bit, before going and catching the next bus. And lo and behold, when we got to the next stop along, who should be waiting but the expletive-loving old lady from before. She has purchased some food and a bunch of flowers at the shops, all of which she carries on with her.
Old Lady (to driver): I'm like a human packhorse, aren't I?
Bus Driver:....
Old Lady (whilst putting in her ticket the wrong way): I said, I'm like a human packhorse, hmmm?
Bus Driver:....
Old Lady (glaring at bus driver, clearly annoyed at his lack of recognition for her efforts): Ha ha ha?....(angrily) oh neverMIND!
The Old Lady then took all her stuff and sat down, fuming to herself for the rest of the trip.
26 March, 2009
17 March, 2009
Not for Profit
I was visibly distressed to see, upon my last checking of the shoutbox, the response to a series of people a-spruiking in the shoutbox - a not insignificant fallout with at least one of my readers:
Bennett
the hell!? Advertising cash advances!? YOU SOLD OUT MAN! YOU USED TO BE ALL ABOUT THE WRITING NOT THE MONEY!
I must assure you, readers, that I am not being financially compensated for the ads. They have simply been left by people passing through (including the ever elusive SexyChick). I would never dream of making money off this blog. It would be wrong for a few reasons:
I'm not doing anything here that I should be paid for. What I write is, by and large (with the possible exception of some posts such as my bagging of the Herald Sun, which I was somewhat pleased with) utter crap. The idea that I should be PAID to do this is crass and inappropriate, and I would feel guilty from profiting, as naturally this is a non profit blog which maintains high standards of writing and integrity...mostly.
But at the same time, I feel I should address the issues raised by the spruikers in the shoutbox. Firstly:
SexyChick - I don't think I've been completely honest with you, SexyChick, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. Confession time: I didn't invent this layout. You did compliment me, murmuring in those irresistibly sweet and dulcet tones of yours that my blog had "Nice Layout!" Once my blushing had subsided, I felt it was my duty to come clean with you. This is a very standard design set out by blogspot, and I haven't really changed it at all. I hope you'll understand, and perhaps we can still be friends. I just value our connection, and don't want it to be built on lies and deception. xxx ooo
Bernard - Oh Bernard...we've had some good times, haven't we? Which is why, again, I have to be frank with you. I don't intend to change my website address to "co.coocococ" or whatever it may be. I'm really sorry, but that's just the way I am, and I can't change that, because that just wouldn't be "me".
Leonard - I was humbly pleased to see that you'd "read a few of [my] other posts", perhaps scrolling through them, hopefully chuckling appreciatively at appropriate moments. Equally, I did investigate your blog, which contained some interesting insights into schools, college and scholarship applications.
Gibson - I did wonder whether you had read much of what I wrote, seeing as you, perhaps rather generously, labeled the contents of this blog "info". Though it is nice to be hailed as a pillar of truth. Your fortifying comments shall not be easily forgotten, Gibson. But no, I don't want to make money online, though I'm sure you have many excellent suggestions. Best of luck to you.
Tamara - Well, Tamara, you left me in almost more of a dizzy than SexyChick as you suggestively commented "Look forward to reading more from you in the future". What am I to infer from this? Are you toying with my affections, or truly committed to what you say? I must make clear, it would wound me more than I could say if it were the former. I must also confess, after having visited your site, (which appears to be highly informative, the site of a truly powerful, intelligent, experienced and worldly woman) you had me at "Payday Cash Advance Loans Faxless No Teletrack California: Reliable Cash Source ". I certainly hope this shall not be the last time you lighten my blog with your exuberant and vivacious presence. I wait with baited breath.
I hope this clears up any aspersions being previously cast upon the good characters of these people by Bennett, and I will finally assure you that I will never (1) use this blog as a source of any income.
(1) May be subject to change
Bennett
the hell!? Advertising cash advances!? YOU SOLD OUT MAN! YOU USED TO BE ALL ABOUT THE WRITING NOT THE MONEY!
I must assure you, readers, that I am not being financially compensated for the ads. They have simply been left by people passing through (including the ever elusive SexyChick). I would never dream of making money off this blog. It would be wrong for a few reasons:
I'm not doing anything here that I should be paid for. What I write is, by and large (with the possible exception of some posts such as my bagging of the Herald Sun, which I was somewhat pleased with) utter crap. The idea that I should be PAID to do this is crass and inappropriate, and I would feel guilty from profiting, as naturally this is a non profit blog which maintains high standards of writing and integrity...mostly.
But at the same time, I feel I should address the issues raised by the spruikers in the shoutbox. Firstly:
SexyChick - I don't think I've been completely honest with you, SexyChick, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. Confession time: I didn't invent this layout. You did compliment me, murmuring in those irresistibly sweet and dulcet tones of yours that my blog had "Nice Layout!" Once my blushing had subsided, I felt it was my duty to come clean with you. This is a very standard design set out by blogspot, and I haven't really changed it at all. I hope you'll understand, and perhaps we can still be friends. I just value our connection, and don't want it to be built on lies and deception. xxx ooo
Bernard - Oh Bernard...we've had some good times, haven't we? Which is why, again, I have to be frank with you. I don't intend to change my website address to "co.coocococ" or whatever it may be. I'm really sorry, but that's just the way I am, and I can't change that, because that just wouldn't be "me".
Leonard - I was humbly pleased to see that you'd "read a few of [my] other posts", perhaps scrolling through them, hopefully chuckling appreciatively at appropriate moments. Equally, I did investigate your blog, which contained some interesting insights into schools, college and scholarship applications.
Gibson - I did wonder whether you had read much of what I wrote, seeing as you, perhaps rather generously, labeled the contents of this blog "info". Though it is nice to be hailed as a pillar of truth. Your fortifying comments shall not be easily forgotten, Gibson. But no, I don't want to make money online, though I'm sure you have many excellent suggestions. Best of luck to you.
Tamara - Well, Tamara, you left me in almost more of a dizzy than SexyChick as you suggestively commented "Look forward to reading more from you in the future". What am I to infer from this? Are you toying with my affections, or truly committed to what you say? I must make clear, it would wound me more than I could say if it were the former. I must also confess, after having visited your site, (which appears to be highly informative, the site of a truly powerful, intelligent, experienced and worldly woman) you had me at "Payday Cash Advance Loans Faxless No Teletrack California: Reliable Cash Source ". I certainly hope this shall not be the last time you lighten my blog with your exuberant and vivacious presence. I wait with baited breath.
I hope this clears up any aspersions being previously cast upon the good characters of these people by Bennett, and I will finally assure you that I will never (1) use this blog as a source of any income.
(1) May be subject to change
09 March, 2009
Whoops-a-Fucking-Daisy
For those of you who didn't see it, Kevin Rudd made news this week. Yep, that's right, our PM was in the news. But more interesting was the reason for which he made news.
During an interview with Mike Munro, who must be appearing on Sydney television or something since I haven't seen him in ages, Kevin Rudd made the following statement about the economy:
"You either sit back as government and do nothing and just wait for the free market to fix it all up, or you step in and try and fill the breach for a temporary period," he said.
"That means temporary borrowings. People have to understand that because there's going to be the usual political shitstorm, sorry, political storm."
Whilst the image of a 'shitstorm' is rather evocative (I strongly suspect more than an umbrella would be required to keep that particularly moist form of weather at bay), Kevin Rudd immediately corrected himself and moved on.
But what is perhaps funniest is that the Liberals have accused him of meticulously 'scripting' the golden moment prior to the interview, in order to ingratiate himself with the workers, through his colloquial language (language analysis strikes once again).
And I agree with them for once, having already thought, before reading this story
http://www.smh.com.au/national/rudd-slipup-creates-a-shit-storm-20090309-8so6.html
that this would be the case. I can only wonder what other 'slip ups' we can come to expect in the future from Rudd:
"If I may speak frankly, Australia's economy could be fucked up the arse by an emu - oh dear, pardon my larrikinistic figure of speech - unless we take action..."
"I think that the general consensus coming out of the United Nations talks is that Mugabe is a real cun- sorry, just my working class roots showing there, ho ho ho ho"
or even..
"If we're fucking serious about making some motherfucking changes to the motherfucking environment before it's too screwed over to bloody well fix, we need to get off our fucking arses and start to do some goddamn work.......motherfucking bitches."
Kevin (afterwards to Julia Gillard): .......too many fucks?
Julia Gillard (nodding pensively): ......yeah, too many fucks.
And through all of this, I wonder whether the working class aren't thinking "goodness gracious, Mr Rudd, your penchant for obscene language is most indecorous, and most certainly does not garner you support from me."
During an interview with Mike Munro, who must be appearing on Sydney television or something since I haven't seen him in ages, Kevin Rudd made the following statement about the economy:
"You either sit back as government and do nothing and just wait for the free market to fix it all up, or you step in and try and fill the breach for a temporary period," he said.
"That means temporary borrowings. People have to understand that because there's going to be the usual political shitstorm, sorry, political storm."
Whilst the image of a 'shitstorm' is rather evocative (I strongly suspect more than an umbrella would be required to keep that particularly moist form of weather at bay), Kevin Rudd immediately corrected himself and moved on.
But what is perhaps funniest is that the Liberals have accused him of meticulously 'scripting' the golden moment prior to the interview, in order to ingratiate himself with the workers, through his colloquial language (language analysis strikes once again).
And I agree with them for once, having already thought, before reading this story
http://www.smh.com.au/national/rudd-slipup-creates-a-shit-storm-20090309-8so6.html
that this would be the case. I can only wonder what other 'slip ups' we can come to expect in the future from Rudd:
"If I may speak frankly, Australia's economy could be fucked up the arse by an emu - oh dear, pardon my larrikinistic figure of speech - unless we take action..."
"I think that the general consensus coming out of the United Nations talks is that Mugabe is a real cun- sorry, just my working class roots showing there, ho ho ho ho"
or even..
"If we're fucking serious about making some motherfucking changes to the motherfucking environment before it's too screwed over to bloody well fix, we need to get off our fucking arses and start to do some goddamn work.......motherfucking bitches."
Kevin (afterwards to Julia Gillard): .......too many fucks?
Julia Gillard (nodding pensively): ......yeah, too many fucks.
And through all of this, I wonder whether the working class aren't thinking "goodness gracious, Mr Rudd, your penchant for obscene language is most indecorous, and most certainly does not garner you support from me."
05 March, 2009
Not Sure if I Want to be White on This...
Perhaps you recall I found a "The kingdom of Men shall crumble in fire and water" type website a while ago, and I thought I'd really discovered something scary. I apologise. That was not scary. If that was hateful teachings kindergarten, this is the university Doctrate of racial hate speak.
The other day, I was innocently returning from athletics sports, a-wandering through the leafy glades of whatever that park is called near Jolimont station, when I chanced upon a lampost. Knowing full well that it probably landmarked the end of Narnia, I approached it, and after having had it pointed out to me by one of my Asian friends who would very much like to be noted in this record, I saw one of those little political stickers adorning the side. It read "WHITE PEOPLE AWAKE, SAVE THE WHITE RACE". And there was a website...
http://www.creativitymovement.net/
And so being the curious young lad I am, I wrote down the website. Once I got home, I went and sussed it out.
It.
Is.
Fucked.
is perhaps the way it can be put most mildly and politely.
More or less, this is a White supremacist "Church" (though it is not Christian based, or indeed based on any religion whatsoever). They also seem to hate Jews for some reason, which is odd since there are plenty of white Jews, and Judaism is obviously a religion, not a race. But hey, let's not be pedantic about these sorts of things.
So what do they stand for? Well, they call themselves Creators - as "White" people created everything good and natural and proper in the world (yes, they do capitalise every white - I won't, to save on black pixels). And apparently anyone wanting to follow this messed up sect - i.e., become a "Creator", must fulfil their set of requirements, which include:
What a Creator is Not
I. A CREATOR is not gullible, and does not easily accept any statement, belief, assertion or assumption that to him is lacking in proof and/or is unreasonable in the light of his own experiences. An odd requirement, given that they must first swallow the unsupported notion that the white race is inherently superior to all other races.
III. A CREATOR is not interested in the future or welfare of the mud races, and shuns race-mixing or any social intercourse whatsoever with the inferior mud races. Yep, that's right, everyone else falls under the "mud races" category. Not terribly inventive, but as you'll discover, originality isn't exactly their strong suit (neither are spades or clubs).
Ok, so once they've drawn in the kind of genuinely tragic and stupid people who would still be listening to them after the first sentence, they lay down some ground rules...
II. Be fruitful and multiply. Do your part to populate the world with your own kind. It is our sacred goal to populate the lands of this earth with White people exclusively.
III. Remember that the inferior mud races are our deadly enemies, and the most dangerous of all is the Jewish race. It is our immediate objective to relentlessly expand the White Race, and keep shrinking our enemies. (Though apparently they are willing to waive their war on Judaism as concerns the attractive Jew Natalie Portman, who is exempt from being classified as an enemy, due to attractiveness. Naturally.)
VII. Show preferential treatment in business dealings to members of your own race. Phase out all dealings with Jews as soon as possible. Do not employ niggers or other coloreds. Have social contacts only with members of your own racial family.
Yep, a lovely group of people, as you can see. They also had an "apology to the blacks" section, which contained some heartwarming messages of love and unity...
We apologize for some members of our race who worship the monstrosities your genes have created, such as Jacko the Wacko and Little Fruity Richard and Dennis Nutman Rodman and Don Electrified King and Daryl Coke-Head Strawberry and Whitney Whacked-Out-Screaming Houston and Cassius If-Only-I-Be-White-But-I'm-Really-Black Clay and Tiger Adamic-Hater Woods and Whoopi Thinks-She’s-White Goldberg and Oprah Interview-a-Nut New-Age-Goof Winfrey and Ru Triple-Freak Paul and Morgan Act-White-But-Hate-White Freeman and Sammy Convert-To-The-Christ-haters-Religion Davis and Colin Have-A-Black-Pet-In-The-White-House Powell, to name only a few.
Clearly someone in there has a love of all races, and acerbic wit to match. "Cassius If-Only-I-Be-White-But-I'm-Really-Black Clay" probably takes the cake for me, with Whoopi Thinks-She's-White Goldberg a close second.
So if you thought those people didn't exist in real life, there you are. Laugh or cry, your choice.
After browsing these sorts of websites I
a) feel nauseaus and tainted, and want to go and tell everyone how much they mean to me in an attempt to counteract the...dirty feeling. Not to worry, this should wear off in a few moments.
b) There is no point trying to argue with these people...as with rabid dogs, it would be kindest if Atticus got out his shotgun and put them out of their misery. They're not happy in their existence, their CONSTRUCTED REALITY if you will, because they think everyone's out to get them. They can't be reasoned out of it...so....
I promise I'll write something less depressing later.
The other day, I was innocently returning from athletics sports, a-wandering through the leafy glades of whatever that park is called near Jolimont station, when I chanced upon a lampost. Knowing full well that it probably landmarked the end of Narnia, I approached it, and after having had it pointed out to me by one of my Asian friends who would very much like to be noted in this record, I saw one of those little political stickers adorning the side. It read "WHITE PEOPLE AWAKE, SAVE THE WHITE RACE". And there was a website...
http://www.creativitymovement.net/
And so being the curious young lad I am, I wrote down the website. Once I got home, I went and sussed it out.
It.
Is.
Fucked.
is perhaps the way it can be put most mildly and politely.
More or less, this is a White supremacist "Church" (though it is not Christian based, or indeed based on any religion whatsoever). They also seem to hate Jews for some reason, which is odd since there are plenty of white Jews, and Judaism is obviously a religion, not a race. But hey, let's not be pedantic about these sorts of things.
So what do they stand for? Well, they call themselves Creators - as "White" people created everything good and natural and proper in the world (yes, they do capitalise every white - I won't, to save on black pixels). And apparently anyone wanting to follow this messed up sect - i.e., become a "Creator", must fulfil their set of requirements, which include:
What a Creator is Not
I. A CREATOR is not gullible, and does not easily accept any statement, belief, assertion or assumption that to him is lacking in proof and/or is unreasonable in the light of his own experiences. An odd requirement, given that they must first swallow the unsupported notion that the white race is inherently superior to all other races.
III. A CREATOR is not interested in the future or welfare of the mud races, and shuns race-mixing or any social intercourse whatsoever with the inferior mud races. Yep, that's right, everyone else falls under the "mud races" category. Not terribly inventive, but as you'll discover, originality isn't exactly their strong suit (neither are spades or clubs).
Ok, so once they've drawn in the kind of genuinely tragic and stupid people who would still be listening to them after the first sentence, they lay down some ground rules...
II. Be fruitful and multiply. Do your part to populate the world with your own kind. It is our sacred goal to populate the lands of this earth with White people exclusively.
III. Remember that the inferior mud races are our deadly enemies, and the most dangerous of all is the Jewish race. It is our immediate objective to relentlessly expand the White Race, and keep shrinking our enemies. (Though apparently they are willing to waive their war on Judaism as concerns the attractive Jew Natalie Portman, who is exempt from being classified as an enemy, due to attractiveness. Naturally.)
VII. Show preferential treatment in business dealings to members of your own race. Phase out all dealings with Jews as soon as possible. Do not employ niggers or other coloreds. Have social contacts only with members of your own racial family.
Yep, a lovely group of people, as you can see. They also had an "apology to the blacks" section, which contained some heartwarming messages of love and unity...
We apologize for some members of our race who worship the monstrosities your genes have created, such as Jacko the Wacko and Little Fruity Richard and Dennis Nutman Rodman and Don Electrified King and Daryl Coke-Head Strawberry and Whitney Whacked-Out-Screaming Houston and Cassius If-Only-I-Be-White-But-I'm-Really-Black Clay and Tiger Adamic-Hater Woods and Whoopi Thinks-She’s-White Goldberg and Oprah Interview-a-Nut New-Age-Goof Winfrey and Ru Triple-Freak Paul and Morgan Act-White-But-Hate-White Freeman and Sammy Convert-To-The-Christ-haters-Religion Davis and Colin Have-A-Black-Pet-In-The-White-House Powell, to name only a few.
Clearly someone in there has a love of all races, and acerbic wit to match. "Cassius If-Only-I-Be-White-But-I'm-Really-Black Clay" probably takes the cake for me, with Whoopi Thinks-She's-White Goldberg a close second.
So if you thought those people didn't exist in real life, there you are. Laugh or cry, your choice.
After browsing these sorts of websites I
a) feel nauseaus and tainted, and want to go and tell everyone how much they mean to me in an attempt to counteract the...dirty feeling. Not to worry, this should wear off in a few moments.
b) There is no point trying to argue with these people...as with rabid dogs, it would be kindest if Atticus got out his shotgun and put them out of their misery. They're not happy in their existence, their CONSTRUCTED REALITY if you will, because they think everyone's out to get them. They can't be reasoned out of it...so....
I promise I'll write something less depressing later.
03 March, 2009
Four Letter Short Stories
Someone bet me I couldn't write a story using no words shorter than four letters. Being the proud and competitive person I am, I of course wanted to prove them wrong. I suppose I haven't really....writing is terrible without conjunctions and shorter verbs - so far I have used 18 words with three letters or less.
So there you go...
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed Lucy upon hearing that Timothy, Lucy’s massive bestial bison living upon several green cushions within Lucy’s house (challenged during some boastful banter between several ponies) planned writing short stories using only words with four letters, some words with more.
“That’s possible,” explained Timothy, smiling, “Though given, several incredibly awkward clauses, many clumsy sentences, shall likely result.”
“How's that different from usual?” giggled Lucy rather unkindly.
Timothy burst into torrential tears. They coursed down bison-like cheeks, making Lucy feel guilty. Lucy often felt guilty. Should Lucy have been forced into choosing emotions most often experienced, guilt would definitely rank highly. Lucy felt guilty when newspapers showed people dying. Lucy also felt very guilty when Timothy’s sister died – partly because Lucy killed Timothy’s sister during violent bloodlustings (this mustn’t completely bias your impressions drawn from Lucy, though – mainly, Lucy enjoyed being peaceful).
“Four letter worded stories would make dull reading, given that authors wouldn’t focus upon plot, rather upon wording,” conceded Timothy. “Doesn’t mean they’re impossible.”
“What would four letter worded short stories describe?” asked Lucy, mildly curious.
“Anything, really....maybe they could portray someone writing four letter worded short stories, however seemingly impossibly post-modernistically wankerish that would seem,” said Timothy, unwittingly fulfilling this notion.
“Fuck...this gets quite tiresome after comparatively short time,” yawned Lucy, bored.
“Yeah...ceebs,” joked Timothy, snorting great bison chortles, whilst never thinking about writing four letter worded short stories ever again. Ever. Again.
So there you go...
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed Lucy upon hearing that Timothy, Lucy’s massive bestial bison living upon several green cushions within Lucy’s house (challenged during some boastful banter between several ponies) planned writing short stories using only words with four letters, some words with more.
“That’s possible,” explained Timothy, smiling, “Though given, several incredibly awkward clauses, many clumsy sentences, shall likely result.”
“How's that different from usual?” giggled Lucy rather unkindly.
Timothy burst into torrential tears. They coursed down bison-like cheeks, making Lucy feel guilty. Lucy often felt guilty. Should Lucy have been forced into choosing emotions most often experienced, guilt would definitely rank highly. Lucy felt guilty when newspapers showed people dying. Lucy also felt very guilty when Timothy’s sister died – partly because Lucy killed Timothy’s sister during violent bloodlustings (this mustn’t completely bias your impressions drawn from Lucy, though – mainly, Lucy enjoyed being peaceful).
“Four letter worded stories would make dull reading, given that authors wouldn’t focus upon plot, rather upon wording,” conceded Timothy. “Doesn’t mean they’re impossible.”
“What would four letter worded short stories describe?” asked Lucy, mildly curious.
“Anything, really....maybe they could portray someone writing four letter worded short stories, however seemingly impossibly post-modernistically wankerish that would seem,” said Timothy, unwittingly fulfilling this notion.
“Fuck...this gets quite tiresome after comparatively short time,” yawned Lucy, bored.
“Yeah...ceebs,” joked Timothy, snorting great bison chortles, whilst never thinking about writing four letter worded short stories ever again. Ever. Again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)