Getting a Taste for Tasers

So for my Year 12 VCE English issue SAC, I'm arguing that Victorian police should be issued with Tasers. Naturally, it would make sense to visit the site of the people who manufacture Tasers and see what they have to say about them. And let me tell you, it was an interesting site:

http://www.taser.com/

For quite apart from the models deployed to "law enforcement officers", Taser has recently branched out into the C2 models, for the everyday consumer. Not only that, they have a range of COLOURS from which people can choose their Taser. Because of course everyone wants to look stylish when they whip out their electroshock weaponery. Colours include Black Pearl and Electric Blue (quite an appropriate type of blue for a gun capable of producing 50, 000 volts).

This merely confirms my ongoing hypothesis that America has some seriously crazy stuff happening.

And then there is the Metallic Pink, which makes you wonder who exactly their target audience are...

Meryl: Oh my goodness Ange, have you seen Sarah's new C2 model Taser? Hot pink.

Ange: Oh GOD! I know! I'm just so jealous. I saw her the other day, and there she was, showing it off as she tasered Timothy in the driveway. And there I was, standing with my old series like a silly old nong, only able to subdue my 5 year old with 1.3 milliamps.

....because there actually have been several reported incidents of parents using it for discipline....

"YOU WILL CLEAN YOUR ROOM NOW!" screamed her mother, her face contorted with rage as she held down the trigger. "God, when I was your age, it was the wooden stick if I stepped out of line. Your generation just have no idea how lucky you are!" she remonstrated as her 12 year old daughter spasmed from the 1, 200 volts surging through her body.

And as if that wasn't disturbing enough, they have a merchandise and clothing range. So now everyone can accessorise with T shirts saying

"So....you weren't doing anything?.....let's go to the camera", a witty reference to the camera which is able to record incidents when the Taser was required to be used. I'm sure there are plenty of others such as "Can you read this? Then you're within my Taser range!" or "Did I give you a shock?"

Upshot being.....America is still a disturbing country.

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

Luckily enough, Fate portioned out to me a short yet amusing anecdote which I can bring and share with you all. I shall attempt to convey the hilariousness of the incident as best I can (though I accept that this is impossible).

Setting: Flinders Street, Platform 1, on a train yet to leave the station for Hurstbridge

Time: 3:48 pm

Characters: A group of schoolboys, a shortish woman dressed in business attire, hair in a ponytail, somewhat 'horsey' face and copius green eyeshadow.

So there the schoolboys were, all sitting down and chatting about English SACs or something equally scintillating, when up walked the young woman, and asked of the general group,

"Does anyone here have a phone?"

Me: A phone?

Her: Yes, I need to make a call

Me (thinking that I have seen this woman on the Hurstbridge line before, and I've never seen her asking for things, so it is probably a genuine emergency) and so, being the Good Samaritan that I am: Yeah...I do...is it just one call?

Her: Yes

Me (handing over mobile phone): So it's just a local call?

Her (waving impatiently at me as though I'm some sort of interfering child, and simultaneously turning her back on me, with my phone in her hand): Don't ask questions!

By this stage I was somewhat alarmed at the tone she was taking with me.

Anonymous friend: ahahahahhahahahaha (continues laughing for the next 5 mins, as he would later tell me "not because it happened as such, but that it happened to YOU")

And so she started copying some number from her mobile to mine, completely ignoring me.

Me: I'd feel a lot more comfortable if you'd tell me the sort of call you're making.

Her: Shhhhh, don't worry, don't ask questions. (goes back to ignoring me)

And so then she was punching in the number, and it was as she raised my phone to her ear that I noticed she still had headphones in her ear...the one with the phone to it. At this stage a different quick minded friend on the train went and stood in the doorway under pretence of checking the time on the Flinders Street digital clock, lest she attempts to make a run for it. I was evaluating whether I could outrun her if she did - I think the odds were in my favour, given her stature.

So 30 seconds went past as she listened with her earphoned ear...

Her:......

Me:.......

Friend: AHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHA

Her:.....no, its not working....

I was in no rush to explain to her that perhaps she couldn't hear it if it did, since she appeared to be giving my phone back.

Once she had given my phone back, she went to ask someone else for their phone at the end of the carriage. I looked at my phone, and the number on it looked something like this:


111111111111111111343

"Morally ambiguous" Slurpee Cup Convicted as Culpable

Last week 36 year old Brendan Whitmouth was arrested and charged with an armed assault taking place on Tuesday at a 7/11 convenience store in South Yarra. Today his case was heard before the Magistrate's Court in Melbourne.

Brendan Whitmouth's defence argued in court that his reasoning leading up to an attempted heist of a 7/11 store in South Yarra was severely impaired by "morally ambiguous" messages on the side of a Slurpee cup he had purchased at the store. The cup was presented as evidence, and, along with containing the phrases "SLURPED TOO FAST! BRAIN FREEZE!" and "Drink it down at the machine then go back for more!", the regular sized standard issue Slurpee cup instructed him to:

"Go on a Slurpee ramage. Grab a gun and demand the 7/11 attendant provide you with a lifetime supply of Slurpee! If they refuse, blow their fucking brains out!"

His defence team argued that "nobody would have expected such subversive messages to be found upon the innocuous Slurpee cup. Surely some clemency would be appropriate in such a situation."

The person in attendance at the 7/11 store testified that Mr Whitmouth had seemed "dazed and confused" as he held him at gunpoint, suggesting that it might have been "the taurine speaking", as Mr Whitmouth ordered him onto the floor when he did not consent to supplying him with a lifetime's worth of Slurpee. Mr Whitmouth then shot him once in the arm, and ran from the store. The attendant added that "he wasn't so bad, he did say please the first time - before he ordered me on the floor and shot me..."

Magistrate Flixotide took the somewhat unprecedented step of asking for a sample of the Slurpee Mr Whitmouth had consumed to be tested in order to determine "its ability to affect rational judgements". The attendant assured her that this would be simple as "we only refresh the Slurpee mixture each month...or whenever dead rats or pigeons get stuck in there..."

Ms Flixotide also sampled some herself, admitting before the court that "it is refreshing and flavoursome", as she slurped greedily like some sort of mosquito/vacuum cleaner hybrid, causing a five minute adjournment as she suffered from the aforementioned "brain freeze".

The hearing will continue for another five days before the Court makes a judgement.

Internet Censorship

So at school today people were discussing internet censorship, and it made me think of the sorts of things we might be missing out on if certain words were blocked on the internet, such as innocuous stories like this...


Margaret and Mittens laughed as they went upstairs, to finish painting in the studio cum living room which she had decorated the previous winter. She pulled back the curtains, letting sunlight into the room. Their half finished masterpiece, a naked portrait of a child in a purely Bill Henson artistic fashion, still lay on the floor where they had left it the night before.

And so they set about painting it, selecting vibrant hues and subtle greys. Suddenly as Margaret reached over to collect some more Venetian lilac she brushed her sleeve in the Parisian crimson.

"Oh bother!" she ejaculated loudly in mild annoyance, rubbing it off with the cloth kept for such a purpose.


I am of course, opposed to censorship. A thorough censorship system would probably wipe this humble blog from the virtual face of the internet. And if we simply censor things which are inconvenient, we miss the opportunity to discuss them in an adult and mature fashion. Rather than pretending things don't exist by hiding them behind cellophane and duct tape, we should bring them out and encourage healthy debate.

I'm not particularly inclined to go on right now, and jump up and down to make my point, as nobody has so far disagreed with me. But by all means, leave a comment and tell me I'm a complete idiot - there are few things I enjoy more. And I promise I won't censor it.

Connex customer claims "It's just too predictable"

Bernard Rail stood alone on Friday, a solitary figure as he protested outside Connex’s city based offices demanding answers, bearing his sign “LEAVE THEM LATE, I LOVE TO WAIT”. Connex has lately gained support from the public as services have increased 200% in efficiency, with fewer trains being cancelled than ever before. The contract has been renewed, and myki has almost been completely phased in. But that is little consolation for the 38 year old accountant, who fondly remembers the times when cancellations, delays and entire line faults were a daily occurrence. “I just never used to know what would happen,” he reminisced. “I work all day in an office in the city – for me, the excitement of my mornings lay in the potential detours and delays I would face on the way to work.”

Bernard still believes that a sense of community was fostered in their combined annoyance at Connex. “We had some funny moments,” he laughs bravely. “One time, there was an announcement on the train we were on – that it would terminate at the next station. The woman next to me swore, and we all laughed. That was a nice moment.” He also enjoyed being able to see what people were reading and doing. “One time, I watched a schoolboy beat his friend at Tekken on PSP. I cheered, and I think he knew that I was watching. Things like that, they were what really made it worth it.”

Now he feels he has no reason to get up in the morning. “I know what will happen – of course, sometimes I take get off a station early and take a tram to mix things up, but they’re always perfectly integrated with the train services, so I still always arrive on time.” Connex has offered him no support, and he says they have not responded positively to his suggestions. “Something I would love to see,” he admitted, “would be a national strike day. Of course, they couldn’t tell us when it was – that would ruin the spontaneity.” Connex rejected the idea, leaving Bernard with nothing to look forward to in the morning except Excel charts and numbers.

He is resigned to the fact that he will no longer enjoy his favourite train times, the crowded rush hours. “When the air conditioning used to break down, and I would find myself forcibly thrust against the ample chest of a young businesswoman, her crisp busty office shirt slightly damp with perspiration as we were fused together for an hour of bliss. And when the lights failed and we entered the underground tunnels...well....anything could happen. Now, however, there is always ample seating on the increased services, and such moments are sparse.”

Bernard remains somewhat philosophical about his loss, conceding that at least it will at least allow more time for “pursuing other hobbies, such as rearranging colleagues’ stationery and altering the dates on their desk calendars, and seeing whether they notice.”

Ants

Don't know about anyone else, but we get lots of ants in our house at summertime. Which is partly fun, but mostly annoying. The annoying part is pretty self explanatory: you go to make food on the bench, the bench is crawling with ants. You go to switch on the tap, and it's crawling with ants. You go to use the toilet...you get the idea.

But the fun part is Geraldine's reaction. Geraldine is an imaginary person in my house not in any way resembling any family members. Firstly, Geraldine always fails to notice the ants. So this morning, I went downstairs, and saw there were ants crawling over the bench. But Geraldine didn't notice until I actually pointed it out to her (despite the fact that the bench was a swirling mass of black), whereupon she went

"FUCK THOSE FUCKING LITTLE BLOODY BASTARDS!" and set about killing them all with her bug spray.

I Hate Firebugs

I've probably told a few people this before, but it comes to mind now, as I sit here listening to people telling Jon Faine on ABC radio how their house was burnt down, they don't know what's happening with their family stuck in fire areas, and the general chaos and destruction caused by the bushfires, it comes back to me.

I hate them for being stupid. Because if they're not really stupid/mentally deranged, then they're really evil. I guess I'm just a typical optimist/see the best in people. Some of the punishments I think we should introduce for firebugs when caught include:

• Helicopter air lift them into the middle of their raging bushfire they made, and leave them there to deal with the consequences of their own actions. The deliciously smoky irony of this punishment appeals most to me.
• Take them around to every single house that was destroyed by their bushfire, and force them to make a documentary about each and every person affected by it.
• Chain them to a publically announced place in the city centre for a day, with the possibility of tour dates all throughout Victoria, so everyone can have a shot at them (provided they don't get lynched).
• Send them to a rehabilitation centre, possibly forcing them to run anti-arson programs with other more minor offenders (a perfect opportunity to give their documentary a screening).

Likewise with drink drivers and dangerous drivers. I hate that someone always needs to die before people realise there's nothing sick or cool about drag racing or anything hard core about drink driving. And wars. People always need to make the same moronic mistakes of violence and war. I mean, for fuck's sake, you get taught in kindergarten not to use violence to solve problems. To "Stop. Think. Do." But nobody does, and then after they go "oh..we shouldn't have done that..won't do it again." But they do.

On a lighter note, this is my first post since going back to Year 12. It's not terribly entertaining or cheerful, but maybe later ones will be.