Apple Fanatics Scramble to Get Their Hands on iAir

A cheer rang through chilly Melbourne last night, as the stroke of midnight signalled the release of the iAir.

Thousands of queuing Apple fans had been camping outside city tech stores, some from as early as 5.30am. But at the stroke of midnight, stores opened their doors for a special release of Apple's new gadget, priced at $354.95 each.

The iAir, a 'innovative, intuitive, touch-responsive mass of air', has been eagerly awaited since announcement of its development in April this year. Despite suggestions that it can quickly become contaminated, dispersed, and lost within moments of removing it from its packaging, a strong turnout at its launch last night demonstrates that true Apple fans won't be deterred.

"I can't wait to see how it interacts with my iPhone!" exclaimed Sally Sanders.

"I kind of know I don't really need it, but oh my God I so do...I really, really, want it," she said of the 200 ml of air, vacuum sealed in a sleek silver casing, adorned with Apple's ubiquitous logo.

Above: The contents of a disassembled iAir.

Tech magazines have been divided over the new product, with PC User finding that "while very simple to operate, it was difficult to ascertain what the actual function of the iAir was. After two hours of examination, it really does just appear to be air in a silver case."

But fans remain steadfast in their support of the iAir. "It's just something that appeals to me, I guess, because it's unique and reflects my individualism," sales accountant manager Thomas Jeffreys shouted as he jostled amongst the hundreds of other people queuing.

But What If It Was Deliberate?

So what with the 'myki' teething problems and the peak hour delays today, Metro aren't the most popular public transport operators in Melbourne. (Well they are, because they're the only ones, but that's not my point.)

But what if all the things that annoy us about public transport were in fact a service?

- Late trains: late, delayed, and cancelled trains serve an important and unique role in the public transport system. Too frequently commuters stumble into a train half awake, head to their job, before cramming back on, heading home, only to repeat it all the next day. When there is a delay, commuters do get angry. But when they're forced to wait for twenty minutes, it gives them a chance to cool down. They can examine their anger. Why are they angry? What are they going to be late for exactly? How important is it, in the scheme of a life which could end at any given moment?

Perhaps some compulsory reflection could produce a life-altering epiphany.

- Obnoxious fellow passengers: These are in fact highly skilled actors, carefully trained to play their parts with a nuanced, perceptively observed flair. Through forcing you to listen to them loudly recount in graphic detail and without discretion the minutiae of their lives, they invite you to wonder on the nature of human consciousness, of the relationships that bind people together, of the significance which people draw from their lives, the 'achievements' they value. The presence of obnoxious passengers assists train rides to become the introspective, reflective experience they are capable of becoming, experiences which enrich our day.

- Overly officious Public Transport Officers: Why do they take such pride in their job? What's their story? Why do you feel that mixture of polite hostility or forced friendliness and ease when they approach? Are their weighty metal badges affixed to their trenchcoats a tangible compensation for their role? Have the public institutions in Australia become more dehumanised, and if so, how can ordinary citizens go about reversing this?

- Mx: And if you don't want to ponder these things, then just completely halt all cognitive activity with a flick through the Mx, and lose yourself in a world of celebrities, half-thought through, obstinate opinion pieces, and the democratic zeitgeist that is "Vent Your Spleen".

Train journeys need not be a sluggish, mind-numbing crawl. Metro has provided us with everything we need to entertain ourselves. With so many things occurring within the train, there is always an abundance of philosophical musing to be had.

So thank you, Metro. For the things you give us, deliberately and unwittingly, I am thankful.

Mission Statements

P.R. started up again this week, and we've started by learning about these odd things called 'mission statements'.

A mission statement, we were told, is something which conveys an organisation's purpose, strategy, values, and standards. It should be a short sentence or two which more or less explains why the company exists.

And after looking at several mission statements, I started to realise that there are really two types of mission statements:

- A statement which genuinely explains the role of the organisation and helps you better understand what it does

- A statement which tells you nothing about the organisation, instead confusing you with a generic, bland affirmation of vague values and

ethics in whatever they do

And of course there is everything between these two extremes.

Brie's Mission Statement:

Brie is committed to being the creamiest and most delicious cheese in existence. It will constantly strive to ethically deliver to those who sample its smooth, mild flavours, a cheese-eating experience unlike no other.

or...

Brie is committed to helping individuals and businesses reach their full potential. Through a strong sense of community, humility, and service to others, Brie provides an unparalleled service which is both professional and personal.

But it's not like it really matters if the mission statement doesn't tell you exactly what an organisation or individual's agenda is...does it?

Sauron's Mission Statement:

Sauron strives to assist in development and improvement throughout Middle Earth. By harnessing innovative technologies, a widespread network of communications, all within an ethically sound framework, Sauron supports a range of community-focused initiatives.

Scamble

Once again, my resolve to keep up regular blogging has melted. But melted badly, like when you have chocolate and you don't want it to melt, so you minimise body contact and hence transfer of heat, but it's all in vain because it's melting anyway and there's nothing you can do about it.

So now as I sit in the puddle of melted chocolate which is my blog, I'm going to chuck out some of the half ideas that've been sitting about in my head:

Blog Posts You Won't See (read the titles and be very thankful)!

• Commuter Makes Concerted Effort to be Civil to Ticket Inspector
• Labor and Liberal Parties admit that the refugee debate is mostly about political point scoring, and partly "for the lols"
• "I don't usually judge people on reality TV shows, but Jimmy is really getting my gander up!"
• "Will journalism be an enriching potential career move, or will it just make me dead inside?"

Yeah. So next time you look at my blog and go "oh no, there's no update! I'm missing out on the quality content which would no doubt be present if only Gelati Gecko had the time!"....actually you've probably never done that.

Self-deprecating tripe aside...

New word for you all. If you liked scrumish (and I defy you to fault it), then you will love this one:

Scamble

Definition: Not quite a run, not quite a brisk stride, the scamble falls somewhere in between. In its original context, the scamble relates specifically to the movement made when hurrying to a train platform, unsure as to whether you have missed your train already or not. It's really a mix of several very similar words:

- Scramble

- Amble

- Scamper

Enjoy in moderation.

Editor's Correction: It must be noted, if Gelati Gecko wishes to retain any degree of credibility or trustworthiness as a blogger, that the word scamble is to a large degree, and quite possibly entirely, the product of a friend. This friend, whose command of the English language, and fearsome intellect impress all he meets, thus deserves recognition of his outstanding contribution to society with 'scamble'.

We can only hope he shows some clemency and does not pursue proposed legal action.

New Word For You All: Scrumish

I've come across one of those situations which I don't believe the current English vocabulary adequately caters for. Therefore, I have invented a new word, and have decided to dedicate this entire post to explaining its meaning.

The word is scrumish (pronounced scroo-mish). It's a verb, as in "I scrumished my painting for about fifteen minutes."

It is something of an amalgam of the following words:

• scrutinise
• relish

And this more or less sums up its meaning. To scrumish is to examine something with greatest satisfaction and hearty contentment. The thing in question is usually something which has been either made by, or is owned by, the scrumisher. Examples include:

• A story they have written
• A cake they have baked
• A small DIY job successfully completed

This also encompasses less tangible, online things, such as an online bank account, as I and others I have spoken to enjoy viewing the bank account balances, often unnecessarily.

It's a little bit like this:

"Victor Hampelshire breathed in the brisk, cold, morning air

as he strode around the perimeter of his country estate. As he strode, he admired everything about it: the garden bed his underpaid servants had been tending to all spring, the house he had inherited from his affluent family, and the great expanses of lawn upon which a flock of wandering sheep were grazing peacefully.

He would shoot the sheep later, he reflected, for he had warned Mr McMaggins more than once to keep them contained. But for now, Victor Hampelshire was filled from top hat to leather riding boots with a warm, proud, utterly fulfilled yet intense happiness and attachment to his estate."

So scrumish is just like that...only in your head.

Above: Even animals are capable of scrumishing, as this dog surveys the pleasing work he has done.

It's the re-reading of an essay that isn't really necessary. It's that skimming over a great set of results that doesn't quite serve a practical purpose. It's that little buzz you get when you read over a well liked Facebook status.

And I think it's fantastic. The more I think about it, the more I come to the conclusion that scrumishing is humankind's own little triumph. It's our assertion of the belief that we can control our environment around us, even if we cannot control so many other forces in our life. It's a little buzz knowing that you created something that you're happy with.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll publish this post, before giving it the scrumishing it deserves.

Apple Will Probably Kill Us All

Today I went and bought a backup hard drive for my Macbook. Essentially it's a massive USB that stores all my files in case my Macbook gets sick. Fascinating stuff.

But the thing that I found really strange was the Apple shop itself.

An Apple logo is all that identifies it from the outside. Of course, this is more than enough to tell people exactly what sort of store it is. Once you step inside, you realise that the silver, flat floor and ceiling remind you of the minimalist Mac type design, and I actually began to feel that I was inside an Apple product.

The boxes of Apple products adopt a similarly minimalist approach. A keyboard is labelled "keyboard", and has double sided photos of computer keyboards on the packaging. No other writing.

All around me, were customers of all ages. Elderly couples sat while one of the forty or so jeans and blue t-shirt wearing staff explained the basics of skype to them. An eight year old on rollerskates went past, undisrupted because, presumably, Apple is cool enough.

With the crowds of people and even more staff, it struck me as odd, but absolutely nobody volunteered to help me. I couldn't even catch the eye of a salesperson. They were all busy, apparently lumbered with their other customers, and so I was ignored. I felt isolated and alienated.

At the cash register, a staff member came up and made a big show of asking the saleswoman at the cashier to look after 'Tony', then explaining to 'Tony' that he'd leave him with 'Jenny', who would look after him, and that Jenny was lovely. This kind of overly cheery and friendly demeanor made me feel simultaneously 'bah humbug' and 'oh that's nice'.

It was a really confusing and disorientating experience. But I got the hard drive.

This was a terrible story to share with you all (both). I apologise if you've reached the end of this, hanging out for something genuinely scary or funny.

Gelati Gecko Greeting Cards

Every time I go to the newsagents looking for a card, I find myself underwhelmed by the choices available. It always seems to me that the cards there can be sorted into a few categories:

Serious and Sincere

These are the flowery "Dearest Mother, you have been there since day one" type cards, which I never really browse as they hold very little emotional resonance for me. They include condolences, congratulations, all in sugary pastels, sometimes adorned with a tastefully selected glittery flower or two. The edge might also be cut in a wavy, 'soft' edge (especially important for condolence cards, as the last thing you want to do to a grieving friend is give them a paper-cut).

Retro 1950s

These are the ones with black and white photos and 'outrageous' captions. The ideal of the 50s housewife is a particularly prevalent theme, as beaming housewives on the front belie the quip about alcoholism and unhappy marriage, or the innuendo-laden punchline hidden within.

However, they are not all satirical. Sometimes it can be something simple such as a black and white photograph of an elderly couple together, with a quote inside about the transience of life and the beauty of flourishing love within it. But these sorts of 50s cards really belong more to the next category...

Animals and Photography

Often blank inside, or accompanied by a poignant statement on humanity, these are of the 'giraffe mother and calf grazing at sunset', 'very old and wrinkled lady laughing as she holds a newborn baby', 'dozing cat and mouse curled up together on a cushion' ilk.

They show whoever you're giving it to that you're sensitive, appreciate photography, and have thought a great deal about the quote on the card, and decided that it is a message which is most salient for them at this particular point in their lives. It certainly shows them also that you have taste and decency enough not to offer them a card from the last category...

"Humour"

Within the humour category, there are subcategories again:

• Genuinely humorous: These have a cleverly drawn cartoon, with an accompanying punchline inside the card, which might cause a chuckle. They may be a little risque, but in the end you can be reasonably sure of their positive reception.
• Jokes pertaining to flatulence and other bodily functions: These are without a doubt the lowest of the low. These cards are the lecherous middle aged man in the card rack, leering and cackling at you as you walk past. You feel dirty if you ever pick them up 'just to check' if the punchline is as disappointing as you expect. It inevitably is.
• Crass sexual jokes: There is nothing more to be said, except that if I ever receive one of these cards I will forever think more lowly of the sender (unless it's deliberately ironic, in which case that was very clever of you indeed).
• Age jokes: These are possibly the least humorous of the 'humorous' cards section. Yet don't be fooled by their uninspired and inoffensive front - they are the ones most likely to encourage binge drinking, usually in order to forget the horrific revelation that your life is halfway spent, and you now have less chance than ever of doing the things you always dreamed you would and could in your younger years.

And many times, I have finished my perusal of all the aforementioned categories, ending with a demoralising examination of every single 'humour' card, and found that there are no cards that have the attitude, artistic direction, and message that I want.

And so, more often than not, I make my own card, and take a bizarre pride in presenting (to friends on their birthdays) misshapen, smudged, aesthetically challenged cards with crossed-out and wonky messages scrawled horizontally, then finally vertically, as I realised halfway through that the writing size I chose at the start was roughly ten times too big. The confused recipient will often look at me with a combination of bewilderment and polite acceptance, as they wonder whether the torn piece of paper they are holding in their hands is a symbol of my psychotic obsession with them (generally, it isn't).

And so I encourage you all to go forth and make cards for your friends! Fashion them from newspaper, egg cartons, whatever you can find!

And above all, don't just write "To Blah....From Bleh." And that includes people who think that writing "Dear" conveys sufficient affection to get them off the hook from writing a personal message that explains how and why that person is important to you.

And as usual, Man Stroke Woman perhaps closes the whole greeting card issue best.

Wanted: Competent Copywriter for Online Job Advertisements

Yeah...that story I promised you...it's on it's way, honest.

But you all seem to love the silly blog posts, the ones where I find something tiny to focus on, some small aspect of life which I can study, get angry or happy about, and use to shield me from the mind-numbing directionless nature of my existence.

And for today, it's jobs.

I've been looking for a job.

I've been looking for some jobs on the Internet, because I have this completely baseless theory that somehow I'll stumble upon a magical job that meets all my needs, which would probably be something like:

Personal Piano Player, Chef, for Unicorn Wanted:

Sparkles the 6 month old Unicorn foal is in need of a personal piano player to sooth his soul, and a chef to nourish his fledgling body. It is important that he has an ongoing person to meet these needs during these formative months. VCE French level of speaking a bonus, as Sparkles speaks a little French (but only so much that VCE level is all that would be useful). Extra benefits include 100 wishes which he will grant you on his first birthday.

- Chef training fully provided, prior experience irrelevant

- Approx $45/hour

- Very flexible part-time work hours

But in the meantime, I'm searching for other jobs.

And what's started to bug me is this: the jobs which are written up appallingly, but still demand a competent employee with a wealth of previous experience. As I have none, I am always disappointed to see it listed as a criterion. But it becomes harder to accept when it's on a job that's advertised like this:

"We require professional wait staff. That are exceptionally bubbly and out going."

And then they remind applicants that "it is paramount that you...are fluent in English". Really?