Pacman Comes To The Big Screen

In the latest of a string of Hollywood films adapted from computer games, comes Pacman: Take the Bite, a film adaption of the hugely popular pioneering video game.

"Taking our cue from big budget flicks such as Tomb Raider, Resident Evil, and Prince of Persia, we're confident that this is a film franchise which will be warmly embraced by fans," announced creative director Peter Ghost.

"Our film will really focus on Pacman's struggle to free himself from a maze of danger, brightly coloured ghosts, and magical fruits," he elaborated seriously. "Of course, the maze will serve as a point of psychological conflict, and existential philosophy will be amongst the themes covered - is this maze Pacman's real life, or simply a mental framework constructed to enable him to repress traumatic memories or escape a more sinister reality? These will be things to look out for," he hinted, revealing that it will be "a bit like The Matrix meets Pan's Labyrinth".

Warner Bros. Pacman film will deliver "a world that is vivid, exciting, unconstrained, and more than 2D."

When asked about the confined setting of the film, White enthused that "I don't think it will be limiting at all. As the film progresses, the audience will come to realise that the small box within which most of the story occurs is as much an emotional space as a physical one. Pacman's complex character is what will really drive the plot, as he begins to question the meaning behind his perpetual struggle to finish levels, collect spheres, and eat lemons to attain brief periods of immunity."

The film will also deal with the lore surrounding the game, including the historical context of Pacman. "Why is Pacman at war with the ghosts? Where are the rest of Pacman's people? These are all questions which will be addressed in this exciting new trilogy."

The film will be shot exclusively on 3D film, with production expected to get underway later this month.

Train Commuter Finds Train Ride Dystopic

It starts off alright, when everyone is packed on the train, jammed down rows and aisles, sitting there without any smiles.

Mxs clutched in clammy palms and suits, crumpled with dried sweat and tears,

And phones whistling and beeping, iPods and laptops meeping and tweeting,

And passengers sitting there, without any smiles.

Who are they? Who is this man in front of me? What is his life, and what gives it meaning? Is he as unhappy as his ashen face says?

And each page of the mX drips with pixellated lust, or exhales vacuous air into the carriage until I feel I can hardly breathe.

Nausea unexpectedly takes hold and suddenly there is nothing else in the carriage but the nausea and the mX and the people without smiles. And suddenly the carriage is somewhere I don't want to be at all, and I can't see myself ever wanting to be anywhere, or even being happy again.

And everyone is hooked up to iPods, phones and laptops, and I tell myself there's nothing wrong with it, but I fell a sickness in my gut until I have to get out.

And then it's my stop, and I do.

lol jk I heart trains times a million!!! xD

Oh you train poems, you.

Saruman Leading in 'Preferred PM' Polls

A reliable and trustworthy polling source today revealed that an astonishing 87.5% of Australians would prefer Middle Earth Wizard turned Sauron's minion, Saruman the White, to lead Australia coming out of the next election.


Saruman prepares to address his party at an Isengard caucas meeting in September last year.

Voters were swayed by his "striking and individual appearance", and bold new policies and initiatives.

Under Saruman's governance, there would be an increase of money spent on national security, including new technologies such as cloning, while he claims that his "Palantir Communication Revolution" would "render obsolete, and cloak in total and all-encompassing darkness, the so called broadband network proposed by the weak-willed Kevin Rudd. His era is at an end."


Saruman reveals a prototype of the technology which he hopes to make available to all families across the nation.


Deputy leader of Saruman's party, Lurtz, gave little away at his most recent press conference, when asked to elaborate on some of the policies a Saruman run government would introduce. "Man-flesh!" he exclaimed cryptically, before decapitating a journalist in the front row, spearing his head on a pike, and holding it above his head triumphantly. He then proceeded to bare his teeth and roar menacingly, whilst beating the white hand mark on his chest which appears to be standard issue for members of Saruman's political party.

Lurtz let his blade do the talking when confronted with tough questions.

Yet his popularity is not untempered by controversy. Of particular concern to many human rights and equality groups was Saruman's apparent anti-dwarf prejudice, as he was heard telling a staffer that "we must find the halflings, kill them, and seize the power they carry."

While equality groups may not be amongst his loyal band of followers, Saruman has been making some strong impressions with local door calls in marginal electoral zones, which he visited over the last four weeks, in a float drawn by ferocious wolf like creatures known as wargs.

"Oh yes, he was very nice, very intelligent," said Linda, a resident in the rural Victorian town of Porepunkah. "He listened to what we had to say, and his voice seemed to radiate trust and compassion...yes, I'll definitely be voting for him."

Others weren't so convinced. "He did seem to have a very long beard..." mused one resident. "And I'm just not sure that someone his age is fit to take on the stressful job of running a country. I mean, I did ask him about it, but he just said 'I have seen the dawn of time, and will outlive the race of men. Your concerns would be touching were they not the pitiful product of your limited mind.' After that...yeah, I guess I cooled to him a bit."

There is no doubt that Sarmuan has been making strong impressions on the public, in many cases polarising the community with and against him. Liberal leader Tony Abbott yesterday admitted to feeling 'threatened' by Saruman's immense and ancient power and magical lore. Yet it will be some time before we will see if his campaign slogan, "A New Power Is Rising!" will indeed prove to be true.

Still Thinking...

So I've still been questioning all the life issues alluded to below.

And maybe, just maybe, I've finally reached a concrete resolution. It feels good now - whether I'll wake up tomorrow and think this with the same conviction remains to be seen. But I'm going to document this feeling now so I can revisit it and hopefully be persuaded once more if need be.

I realise that this blog is becoming increasingly personal, but hey, I guess worse things could happen.

So I'm feeling scared of the bigness of life. Scared of the completeness, and both the potential closeness or extreme distance of death.

But I've realised that my fear of my life amounting to nothing will only come true if I sit around thinking it. Self fulfilling prophecy style.

To draw upon a profound example, if J.K. Rowling just decided life was too complicated and transient to be worth trying anything in, we wouldn't have Harry Potter. A world which gives so many children great, great joy (and a great many adults too).

If all the people who ever wrote books, poems, music, or films just gave in to abject despair and terror at the face of mortality, we'd all be so much poorer.

To quote a great philosopher of our time:

Polly: Well what's the point of being alive?
Basil: I don't know, but we're stuck with it.

And stuck with it I am. I don't know for how long, but that's not for me to decide. As Gandalf wisely points out to a despairing Frodo, "we have only to decide what to do with the time that is given to us."

So clearly I've drawn upon some pretty significant evidence to support my contention here.

It's not that I need to stop thinking about this - I just need to remember the idea above, I guess...that just because life is messy and all over the shop and without any guarantees doesn't mean anyone should ever live in fear. Instead we can only hope to do good things, share love, enjoy what we have, and work for something better.

I know, I know, you now realise with absolute certainty why I'm not a great philosopher. And this is sounding like the last ten minutes of a gazillion films and stuff. But now I'm realising and feeling it for myself. Until now it was just a rote learnt idea for me.

I'm just doing my best to sort my head out.

There we go. All fixed.

UNTIL NEXT TIME...(I promise I will spare you any more...unless you find it thought provoking too, in which case comment so I can see what you're thinking.)

Churning Thoughts

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written a rhyme,
If for no other reason than I haven’t the time,
Or if it’s not that, then perhaps it’s because,
My mind has been feeling like a row of locked doors.
In either case, I’m typing one now,
Procrastination has led me to (well I didn’t say it would all rhyme).

“University’s good, I’m doing quite well,
But somehow my life is not feeling so swell,
Where am I going, what’s my direction,”
said a young man named Timothy Fecktion.
“It’s not that I’m feeling like nothing is right,
More that life thinking just gives me a fright.
I’ll only be here on this earth for a sec,
Before my life force goes out with a click (Ed: He’s from New Zealand, and happened to pronounce this word with an accent, hence ‘clek’).
What can I do in this short little while,
Between now and death, except try and smile?
Of course that’s most worthy, to love and to care,
For family and friends who live everywhere,
To strive to leave the world in a much better state,
Yes, yes I know, that’d be great.
But when I’m alone and there’s nobody there,
Nobody to help, nobody to care,
That’s what gives me the greatest scare.”

But then Timothy smiled, and said to himself,
“I know what I’ll do, I’ll surround myself,
With friends and family close and near,
All of the people I hold to be dear.”
And so Tim went forth and collected his friends,
As well as his relatives, and friends called ‘pretends’,
He gathered them all in his small living room,
And locked them in there, there in the gloom.
Now that he had them he’d never be lonely,
Now with that sorted, he was all good – but only…
His family and friends didn’t like being trapped,
They started to yell, and they shouted and yapped.
They weren’t the ones who were going insane,
They were quite cross at Tim’s new little game.

And so Tim gave a sigh, and let them all go,
They ran from his house, as he watched through the window.
It was raining outside, and they covered their heads,
As they dashed to and fro across his flower beds,
And so Tim realised, they were gone in the rain,
And all he had was himself, alone once again.

Until somebody came and gave him a hard slap, and said “Wake up to yourself, Tim, you’re an absolute idiot. Stop thinking about life. Of course there’s no point. Just run with it. Of course your whole life won’t be spent having fun times with people. Sometimes you’ll be doing work. Yes, work. Sometimes you’ll be doing assignments. And even if it seems to you like a waste of your time seeing as you could be dead at any moment, you’ll just have to put up with it. Enough of your morbid, morbid, mind. Just shut up and sort yourself out.”

“You’re right,” replied Tim simply.

The End

At the Movies, with the Dentist and Dental Assistant

Dentist (male): So are you going to the staff party this Saturday?

*whine of dental equipment as it nears my mouth*

Dental Assistant (female): Yeah, yeah...I thought I might go.

Dentist: Only it’s meant to be German themed, isn’t it? So they’ll have like....bratwurst...and...sauerkraut. They’re the only German foods I know.

Dental Assistant: But German food’s like, really fatty, you know?

Dentist (to me): Open a bit wider, please. (To Dental Assistant): Mm. I was watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on the weekend, and the German kid, he was really fat.

Dental Assistant: Ohhh, I don’t like the new one. The old one’s so much better.

Dentist: The new one’s the one where Johnny Depp is really creepy.

Dental Assistant: The old one was better. The new one...like, doesn’t have lollies there or anything.

Dentist: There are lollies in it...and the old one was dodgy, there was a giant gummie bear, and it was a balloon. And even as a kid, I was like ‘hey, that’s a balloon’.

Dental Assistant: Yeah, but the old one had better actors.

*conversation lull, as the dentist switches tools*

Dentist: Have you seen any good movies lately?

Dental Assistant: No...umm..OH, I saw Hot Tub Time Machine the other day. It was so stupid, don’t go see it.

Dentist: Oh...I thought it looked good from the ads.

Dental Assistant: Yeah, right...maybe you’d like it.

Dentist: What’s that ‘sposed to mean?

Dental Assistant: Oh, you know...

*silence*

Dentist (defensively): Oh, I suppose you’ve gone and seen Dear John?

Dental Assistant: No, I haven’t.

Dentist: Oh.

Dental Assistant: ...

*silence except for the dental tools*

Dentist: Ok champ, we’re done. You can have a rinse with the mouthwash.

But I Thought I Liked Jazz...

On Thursday night, I spent a considerable amount of time sitting in a wooden chair, listening to some world class jazz musicians playing some music that I absolutely failed (that’s right, not even partially failed) to appreciate.

This all began when a friend at uni decided they were keen to see a show at the Melbourne Jazz Festival. I had a look at the website, and one act caught my eye – it would have a solo piano player, followed by a jazz group. ‘Great,’ I thought. ‘This’ll be good fun – some nice jazz standards probably.’

Oh retrospectively created naive Gelati Gecko, if only you had known what was to come.
So a plucky group of us went along and jazzed up to the concert.
What followed was not jazz standards as I had foolishly assumed, but CONTEMPORARY, MODERN, JAZZ.

During the two forty minute pieces that the group played, I was able to pinpoint why the music left me completely cold:
- There is no melodic narrative.
The music just went all over the place. There was no melody, and no chords or underlying HARMONY against all the dissonance. Notes, notes, notes, came flurrying out of the instruments, and without some sort of original melody, it felt to me like the improvisation filling the room had no context.

- It was as if, if it were to be compared to language based art such as poetry, the diction was clear, the voice was sometimes nice, but it was speaking quickly to me, blurring words which on closer inspection were just gibberish anyway. If I wasn’t able to understand what they were saying, it is very difficult to relate to it.

- They did something like three rounds of improvisations in each of the forty minute pieces. And throughout the piece (and I’m really just repeating the above two points in another form), I found myself just thinking ‘so what?’ when they played a blur of notes which could have occurred 20 minutes earlier, or could be 10 minutes ahead, and it wouldn’t make any difference to me. There was no journey or progression for me to enjoy. I just didn’t get it.

But apparently some people did get it. There were a few people (who were clearly culturally sensitive, enlightened, artistically attuned souls), who were doing a head bobble with the music. Then there were the ones who exaggerated it into a full on ‘top half of their body bobble’.

After a while I began to wonder whether they were thinking in their heads ‘Christ, where’s this going? No idea, just nod attentively, Greg. Show everyone how much you get it.’ Ten points to Gryffindor for the woman who opted for a head SHAKE in place of the more popular head nod.
And of course there was some guy who was filming the whole thing on a digital camera. I watched the flashing red dot in the top corner for a bit, when I bored of watching the musicians on stage, who, as one of the group present put it, “seemed to be enjoying it more than anyone in the audience”.

I did wonder why he was filming it...

Filming man (at next dinner party): Oh yes, well Beryl and I went to the Jazz Festival the other week.

Guest #1: Really?

Beryl: Oh yes, we thoroughly appreciate the modern jazz scene. There was some very thought provoking music this year. Glen actually recorded it.

Guest #2: Nobody is impressed. Shut up.

Beryl and Glen: ...

And then people started walking out of the concert. So I guess we weren’t alone in signing up for something we had no idea about.

The leaving happened exponentially, too. Once one couple left, another person realised that they could leave too. And then, well, nobody’ll mind if I just slip out? The funniest one was someone that left ten seconds before the concert finished (though in fairness, there was no sense of finality in the musicians’ playing, so the person had no guarantee that it would end).

And afterwards, we all agreed that it was ‘an experience’.

You may be wondering, or perhaps even shouting at your computer, “But Gelati Gecko, why are you wasting our time telling us this? We are not interested in your cultural escapades and/or misadventures.”

No, perhaps you’re not. But I am recording this so that if I EVER, EVER, go to another concert of a similar brand of jazz, it will be entirely indefensible.

Parenting Tips Picked Up On The Train Today

1. Children throwing tantrums can often be placated with an iPhone and a cartoon.

2. Teaching your children to count is something which perhaps should be done at home:

Father: Ok, so to ten now.

Girl: ONE!

Father: Two...

Girl: TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX!

Woman sitting opposite me looks at the girl in a 'I'm going to wrap my hands around your surprisingly strong vocal chords and squeeze until the life leaves your eyes' way.

Girl: SIX! SEVEN! SIX! SEVEN!

Father (quietly): You needa be quiet, Tayla. It's a train. What's after seven?

Girl: SIX SEVEN SIX SEVEN

Father: Eight..

Girl SIX SEVEN EIGHT!

Father's phone rings. He answers it, as his daughter is silent and watching him.

Father (on phone): What? Nah, I'm on the...on the fuckin Greensborough line. I'm getting off at Clifton Hill. Nah, yeah....ok.

Hangs up.

Pocket Spring System

American lady on video: People say that mattresses need to be firm in order to support you. But if that were the case, we'd all be sleeping on concrete! (smiles and pauses to allow me to reflect that sleeping on concrete is indeed disagreeable.) Our beds are tailored to you, to your postural needs, contouring to your body, to provide a sleeping experience that will leave you refreshed.

Me (lying on mattress that is apparently measuring all my exact needs): ...

American lady on video: At this very moment, thousands of calculations are being made by our software to accurately determine your pressure points and position on our postural support spectrum.

Me: ...

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Ok so that's showing that you fit into the 'Tan' part of the spectrum, so I can take you and show you some of the beds. Do you sleep on your side?

Me: Yes.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Ok so try this bed here this is based on over 1080 calculations to determine where you need support when you sleep because when you sleep badly do you know what happens?

Me (in head): Don't patronise me.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: You get aches and pains in your cartilage, muscles, bones, joints, etc., and that leads to long term pain which is bad yes? Yes. Here lie down and try this mattress.

Me: (lies down on mattress)

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Ah see how you're lying with your arm under the pillow (pulls my arm out from under the pillow). You can lie like that, feel how that's easier on your body yes? Your body was wanting to be released. I see it all the time. People sitting in office chairs, their posture suffers. They are sitting like this at first (shows upright posture) but then after a while they get all like this (hunches). Then they sit back again and I go "why are you doing that" and they go "because I'm stretching" but they're not, they're just returning FROM stretching, because they were stretching when they were hunched, and their body was wanting to be released from that pressure, etc., you see?

Me (put my arm back under the pillow).

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: No no, out from under the pillow (pulling my arm back out).

Me: Oh, sorry.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman (smiling): Sorry? No, no, don't be sorry. Haha. Maybe if you hurt me emotionally, physically, mentally, then be sorry. But not sorry now, don't say sorry. But see if you lie like this it's better.

Me: Right.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Do you ever get pins and needles in your arm?

Me: Yes, sometimes.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Do you know why you get them?

Me: Because when I sleep on my arm I cut off the circulation to my arm due to the weight placed on it.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman (patronisingly...or so I perceived): NEARLY. When you're like this, your heart works harder, and has to pump more to get blood around, and that's why you wake up and have "argh" with the pins and needles, etc.

Me (in head): I liked my explanation better.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Once you sleep in this bed, it feels good, yes? Lying in it, it's comfortable?

Me: Yes, quite comfortable.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Because you mustn't think of mattresses in terms of 'soft' and 'hard'. There is only comfortable and uncomfortable.

Me: Ah.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: And when you wake up, you will feel like you've slept, because comfort leads to relaxing, which leads to faster getting to sleep, and then your body can get into the sleep cycle (making cycle motions with hands) and you get better rest.

Me (in head): No shit.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Once you've slept in this, you won't feel tired when you wake up. You know that "10 more mins" (mimes slapping an alarm clock repeatedly) feeling, yes? Well you won't have that if you have a good mattress.



I left the store a little while after.


Why did I have that conversation?