Leftovers

I found these on my USB. They were never published in the last edition of Sentinel, as it was cruelly aborted before it saw the sky or tasted fresh air. Here I dump them to rest in peace.

NEWSFLASH: MX'S 'VENT YOUR SPLEEN' SEES 80% DROP IN REASONING, GRAMMAR, BASIC LOGIC

Zealous Substitute Teachers Plan World ChangeSubstitute teachers convened yesterday in Canberra to discuss possible means of solving the major issues plaguing today’s Western societies, including global warming, the economic crisis, and terrorism.

Brenda Ballymoral, 31, stated that she felt it was “really only a small jump from doing what we do in schools. We come into a class of unmotivated students who have absolutely no desire whatsoever to do any work, and we gently coax and nudge them, until by the end of the lesson we have a group of students who are unmotivated, and have absolutely no desire whatsoever to do any work. We feel confident that these skills are readily transferable into global forums on pressing current issues.”

Suggested strategies for tackling the complex issues included ineffectually shushing international bodies preventing the development of solutions, awareness campaigns with confronting slogans such as “Come on now, let’s stop being silly, this isn’t lunchtime, let’s get some work done on climate change, ok? In silence, please”, and engaging in important ‘dialogues’ with scientists who know what they’re doing and really just want to be left alone.

New Addition to Archibald Collection Doesn’t Phail to Delight
An unusual entry in the prestigious Archibald art competition has raised a few eyebrows in the high-brow art society around Australia. The somewhat controversial painting features a large and crudely drawn phallus, entitled ‘Your Mum’, painted by young aspiring artist from Victoria, Edgar Smithson, aged 15.

Director of the Archibald competition for 2010 Peter Brown explained the unorthodox choice making it into the finalists’ shortlist. “We’re always seeking to move with society, and current trends,” he stated at a press conference yesterday. “We feel that if this is the direction art is moving in, we would like to grab it with both hands, and ensure we stay at the forefront of the artistic zeitgeist. This exciting new work, which demonstrates Smithson’s obvious enthusiasm for Freudian psychology – both Oedipal longing and penis envy clearly influencing his work – is yet further proof that the future of the artistic community in Australia is bright indeed.”

Smithson has given nothing away, answering cryptically to questions as to how his work was a reflection of the gender roles forced upon women in our current society, with “fucked if I know. I just drew a cock.”

Painting Trains Plan Fails

A new scheme by the Victorian government aimed at improving train services within metropolitan Melbourne has proven largely unsuccessful in its first few weeks of trial. The plan, which involved painting trains purple with red stripes in a youthful and exhuberant design, has failed to improve the number of train cancellations and delays.

"We're really stumped," spokeswoman Wendy Choo said in a press conference today. "I really thought our 5 million dollar initiative here, with a design especially commissioned for speed and accuracy, was going to see a marked improvement."

In the face of increasing criticism over the new myki ticketing system, which still faces technological issues with overcharging even as it is being rolled out over three years behind schedule, this new defeat could well see Labour outed at the next election.

"I thought the trains would be all better and stuff," concerned daily commuter Trevor Hargreaves sighed. "I thought once they rebranded, relabelled, reticketted and re-painted everything, it would alter the basic infrastructure somehow and we'd have fast trains like in Japan or something."

Hong Kong

So I'm in Hong Kong waiting for the next flight. I have been reading the Diary of Anne Frank for a few hours, and enjoying it immensely. Now if she had a blog, it would be a really good one.

While I was the first person packed in my family, I perhaps could have packed my hand luggage more prudently, as my carry on luggage includes two novelty sized pencils from Amsterdam (about 40 cm tall) and a Mozart quill and nib, which has been regarded with great suspicion by all customs clearances thus far. I can only presume the scene rushing through their minds:

Tragedy Averted as Dangerous Novelty Pencil Wielding Passenger Disarmed

It was meant to be a quiet flight from Hong Kong to Brisbane. But what should have been a peaceful flight nearly turned to disaster, as mid-flight a passenger pulled two deadly novelty sized pencils and attempted to take control of the plane.

"He just pulled out two brightly coloured pencils. One was orange...the other one was green," one witness recalled, tears springing to her eyes as the traumatic event was relived. "Then he pointed it at the face of a flight stewardess, and threatened to draw on her face if the control of the plane was not relinquished."

The on-flight staff played down the incident, stating that once the security staff present draw their firearms, the effectiveness of the large and colourful pencils was greatly diminished.

Anyway. I could lose them at Brisbane, as that is still one more hurdle of security to get through. I'm still feeling ill, which is excellent, as it means I don't eat much and just feel generally rubbish.

The customs people at London/Heathrow had no sense of humour whatsoever, which is seeming to be the general trend with customs officers. It was all good until I forgot to put my mobile on the conveyer belt (forgive it, for it is the innocent ignorance of a novice flyer), and the scanner went off.

Me: Oh, whoops, forgot my mobile. (Gets out mobile, puts it on conveyer belt, and walks through metal detector/whatever the hell it does, which does not go off.)

Woman (with flat, monotone voice): No. You still have to be checked now. Too late.

Me (obligingly, no doubt): Oh, ok. (I walked over to where her equally upbeat colleague was waiting with a scanner of some description.)

At this point my parents expressed exasperation that I had been stopped.

Me (cheerily, as always as I am always in best behaviour in my recollections): Oh it's ok...now I'm getting the full security experience, hey?

No response from either of them, who made absolutely no effort to make the experience of being felt up more comfortable. I decided to dispense with the "wow, that's it, just the tension in the back" jokes, and left after they were done. I even said 'Thanks', but they didn't acknowledge it.

I have therefore come to the conclusion that airports should have a greater emphasis on customer comfort in such situations. Because I'm sure the percentage of 'baddies' out of people passing through security is quite low, and so for the majority, it can be daunting. And even a smile for someone planning to commit an evil act isn't such a bad thing. It might even make them thing twice, if they are struck by a spontaneous expression of goodwill and kindness.

But I guess that's why I don't run airport security.

Back To Melbourne

So the rest of my family is still packing, and in a few hours I will start my return to Melbourne on the plane. I have been sick and am still not better, so naturally the prospect of a 30 hour trip on planes, waiting in airports, and so on is very appealing. And lucky me, Melbourne is having some of the hottest weather ever.

I suppose now is the time I draw profound conclusions about the places I've visited.

The Louvre is massive, but does not have as great a proportion of Madonna and Child pictures as the Uffizi gallery.

It was snowing when we visited Versailles, which was great, but of course freezing. The decorative lake was frozen over and the swans there were rather aggressive. Versailles's rooms were all sort of colour co-ordinated, and themed with Roman gods, as the quiet and unassuming Kind Louis XIV (The 'Roi du Soleil' or 'Sun King') wanted to draw the similarities between himself and the gods - similarities which one assumes were all too apparent to him.

It was interesting seeing Marie Antoinette's house, as we had visited her childhood home at Schonbrunn Palace in Vienna, only her name then was 'Maria Antonia' - the French made her change it when she married to the more French equivalent.

Paris is the most dog friendly city I have ever been in.

I got a haircut just a few hours ago, to pass time, and practice French. Also because I needed a haircut.

Coiffeuse (hairdresser) : Alors, comme ça, mais plus courts? (So, like this but shorter?)

Me: Euhh, oui, pourquoi pas. Comme vous pensez. (Umm, sure, why not. Whatever you think.)

Coiffeuse, souriante (hairdresser, smiling) : Alors, comme je voulais? (So, as I like?)

Me: Oui, oui, ce que vous pensez m'ira. (Yes, yes, whatever you think will suit me.)

I now have a quite short haircut that is not unusual enough to be a point of conversation, nor particularly flattering. And you have learnt some French.

Everyone overseas thinks comparatively little of Australia - kangaroos is just about it. A porter in Germany knew we were culling them too.

Anyway, I have a headache, and the rest of the family is annoyed that I'm not helping them pack their own luggage. So I guess I should now go and help them.

Au revoir mes chers lectures

Taser Unveils Brain Chip

Stun gun manufacturing company Taser yesterday unveiled their brain chip, an exciting technological advancement promised to "revolutionise the face of parenting techniques".

"Essentially, this chip will allow parents to read their child's thoughts, and screen them through an electronic medium, blocking any deemed innapropriate. For instance, you might suspect your child is angry at you, or perhaps that they are hiding something. Now, the old fashioned way of dealing with this would of course be to approach them directly, and ask them about the perceived situation," explained technology spokesperson Tom Snith.

"Thanks to this technology, a confrontation is no longer necessary. You can simply scan their thoughts using our easy to use menu, until you're either satisfied that they are concealing nothing, or you have found their 'little secret'.

Smith rejected accusations that the technology is tantamount to mind reading. "This is a collaborative effort, where the child is aware of your intrusion into their consciousness. And of course, as they grow older, you can build trust, until you may only intrude their most private thoughts once a month."


So this was meant to be a satirical article, based on this piece of news I picked up today while trying to find out about news in Australia:

http://www.news.com.au/technology/taser-adds-parental-mobile-phone-monitoring-tool-to-its-arsenal/story-e6frfro0-1225817655054

But I think the problem is that the article itself is almost satirical. If a parent's relationship with their child is so poor that they can't give them the basic human right of privacy, forced access to their friends and life outside the family is hardly going to help that relationship. The children will probably never trust their parents again. It is one of the stupidest ideas I've heard of in a while.

It Has Been a While, Jaa?

Since Christmas, my travels have continued. I have been to Salzburg, Vienna, Munich, and am now in Amsterdam. I am quite surprised myself to look at those cities and know that I have seen them, breathed them, walked in them. And it is far too difficult to properly convey them in writing. Nevertheless I will try...

Of course it is Winter in Europe. So it is cold. Today in Amsterdam I didn't wear gloves during the day, and my hands froze numb because I had to take them out of my coat pockets to look at the map of Amsterdam, which has canals going round in circles. There are bikes everywhere, and it can sometimes be difficult to know whether you're on a pedestrian path or a bike path, or whether you even have right of way over bikes at a pedestrian crossing. And the bikes move quickly. After snow, the paths can get icy and quite slippery too.

I suppose the main image of Amsterdam is that they smoke drugs and ride bikes and have gay marriage and an infamous Red Light District. While I have seen a small cafe called "Yellow Mellow", which sold marajuana, I have not visited the Red Light District, and there is nothing overly radical about the city.

Today I visited Anne Frank's House, which was a very sobering and moving experience. Walking through her house, accompanied by all her personal diary entries, and crouching to go behind the moving bookcase to the annexed section of the office, knowing how many times a girl, who you almost feel to know on some level, had crept in silence, and knowing that for all their precautions of silence and darkness, what their fate was, nearly brought me to tears, oddly enough.

On a lighter note, we also visited the Rijkmuseum, where there were many paintings by Rembrandt and a few by Vermeer and other Dutch painters. There was a particularly amusing portrait of an exceptionally rotund and piggish looking boy, which I am sure was entirely truthful and attentive to details.

Salzburg is perhaps the most beautiful city I have visited yet. It is surrounded by mountains from which fresh water flows, tap water which, as one waitress summised when we commented that it was nice: "Ja, you can drink it.." We visited Mozart's house, which had an excellent museum with audio guides, but did make me realise that Debussy really should've had a better museum.

Vienna was bigger and busier, and the Schloss Schonbrunn was almost as decadently decorated as my own house.

I am tired now and it is 11:52pm in Amsterdam.