God...

Someone recently alerted me to the fact that there is a website, which shares a very similar address to this one, but for one letter. That address is:

http://gelatigecko.blogpot.com/

That's right, blogPOT, no 's'. DON'T CLICK ON THAT LINK YET. You should be warned, it contains some downright scary content. Apart from the name of the link (which is not explained on the wepage at all) which would indicate someone else either

a) Has been cyber stalking me in Jed Parryesque fashion - as the shoutbox would also support, and now has set up an alarmist conversion website

or

b) thinks that alliterated combos of animals and cold confections constitute appropriate internet psuedonyms.

I'll leave you to find the more disturbing option. But what is perhaps most disturbing is the content of that website. After having a brief and unsettling look at it, I decided it contained some things that really put me off religion:

• Big capital red letters for headings such as "The Soon Coming ClimaxProof The Bible Is True WE ARE NOW IN THE LATTER DAYS OF THE END TIMES
  HOW TO BE SAVED"
• Testimonies from non believers about why and how they converted
• Irrelevant lists of how the world is going to shit - sure, why not, let's assume it is. But the biggest concerns they have are pressing global issues such as self esteem: "C. People would become lovers of themselves-2 Tim 3:1,2. Remember the TV commercials—"I do it for me"? "

Ok...so you think it's not that scary, it's really funny. Well here's what's just around the corner if we don't smarten our act:

We are not setting a date; however, we are now living in that generation in which this will happen. Hate, murder, thefts, rape, and every imaginable form of evil will abound. During this horrible period of God’s wrath, Russia, Iran, and other nations will come against Israel. The USA becomes involved. One-fourth of the world’s population will die. Many of the dead will be from the USA, as well as Russia. (Sorry everyone, but that's only as specific as God could be...)

One-third of trees are burned up. All green grass is burned up. One-third of the sea will become blood. One-third of the creatures in the sea will die (presumably those living in the blood part of the sea). One-third of the ships are destroyed. One-third of the waters become wormwood (or poisoned, or radioactive). Massive famines, increased earthquakes, and more diseases will happen as birth pangs of a woman. Those left alive will have opportunities to receive Jesus through the preaching of 144,000 male, virgin Jews; however, death by decapitation lies ahead for most that put their trust in Jesus (naturally), unless they renounce their faith. There will also be many false Christs and false prophets. A one-world, false religion that God calls MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH (quite a lengthy title to go on this new religion's manifesto...) will increase. This religion has existed for hundreds of years and exists today. The nations of the world have become intoxicated with her false teachings. The temple in Jerusalem will be rebuilt (who said it was ALL bad news. Jerusalem temple Working Bee next Friday).

You might be a little shaken after visiting this website...so if you just add my blog to your favourites you can sidestep the whole issue. I'm going back to school now, so blog posts will dry up for a while.

Thank You Herald Sun

The headline that the Herald Sun (a newspaper that cops a lot of flack, and sometimes you may take pity on it, before you see something which unequivocally affirms that it is a nauseatingly patriotic, ridiculous and pathetic piece of caustic toilet paper) ran on Thursday, January 22nd:

IT’S OK TO HIT YOUR WIFE – “Muslim cleric’s web rant on women”

What followed was a story on Samir Abu Hamza, who gave a sermon in which he was quoted in the Sun as saying “In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn’t got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her and she just doesn’t feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force...it is known to be as rape...Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?” What follows is other misogynistic tripe about wife beating being ok, so long as bruises aren’t inflicted, and so on.

And seeing this story on the front really pissed me off. For one thing, the sermon reported took place in 2003, and only more recently was posted on the web, which was when it was brought to the Sun’s attention. So to start off, the news is already 5 years old, coming from a time when Sheikh Hilali was still seen by many as representative of the Muslim community (yes, him, “uncovered meat” guy). So already, events from five years ago are hitting the front pages as a leading story. Just for some perspective, The Age chose to run Jelena Dokic’s tennis victory and an increase in national job losses as its leading stories (both of which occurred within the last week).
And after having established that a) this was from 5 years ago and b) his views are not that of the wider Muslim community, the question that logically follows is “why would any newspaper or news source be giving such serious consideration to the opinions of a dickhead like that?” (or words to that effect). A question which cannot be logically answered, of course, until we remember the conservative audience the Herald Sun panders to. This sensationalist tabloid cares nothing for the damage it wreaks to the Muslim community’s already damaged reputation by printing stories, which, really, aren’t stories at all, or with headlines which include the whole Muslim community in the sentiments expressed by one radical. One can only assume that someone working there would consider their time very much wasted if they had failed to spark another racial riot on Australia Day...
And sure enough, inside on the Opinion page, the vote of the day, posed one of the most one-sided, John Howardesque, vomit inducing polls I have ever seen:

“Are Samir Abu Hamza’s comments out of touch with Australian values?”

Once I wiped the instantaneous spatter of that day’s breakfast from the page, I was able to throw the paper into the biohazard waste box kept by the side of my bed for such emergencies. Of course, I don’t need to go into my deep seated loathing of the phrase “Australian values”, or the fact that wife beating is in fact common enough in Australia even WITHOUT Muslims, believe it or not.

And of course, the next day yielded more headlines, with The Herald Sun running the following:

“You’re all drunks – Muslim cleric blasts Aussies on gambling, boozing”

...I’ll leave you to do the language analysis there, and they ran the same story, except this time he was saying Australia has drinking and gambling problems (not even vaguely controversial). Clearly, it is obvious to everyone that this guy is an idiot. Clearly, he shouldn’t be taken seriously. Yet bafflingly, the Herald Sun has taken him seriously, giving rise to a wave of anti-Islam diatribe throughout their opinion section, including gems from their website such as :

Mate, i've just read a story over at the BBC thats got me in tears. About a 13 year old girl who was raped in Somalia by a few of your lot. But then acused of adultery. She was buried up to her neck and stoned to death in front of 1000 people. WTF are you people on? Yeah we have a few faults but nothing like that. You don't treat people like that, you just don't. Don't tell me your way of life is better or purer or more without sin than mine.
Posted by: Trevor G. 7:39pm today Comment 344 of 346

Or this...

if i was P.M you wouldnt even be able to step foot in the country so be happy that you are here and shut the f up.
Posted by: ryan 5:57pm today

Or maybe even...

Personally you stupid little man, i have never been to a prostitute. No male has ever touched me violently, because quite honestly i would bring my knee up so hard and contact with your obviously inadequate private parts that you would speak in a high pitch for a very long time. I am an ozzie born and bred. I have a drink when i feel like it and i sit in the fabulous Australian sun, live in a house in Melbourne that i purchased with money from the job i work. Not quite as submissive as your women hey. So come on big guy try putting a burkah on me and see what happens. P#@$ off back to where you came. You dont appreciate what this country and its wonderful people have to offer. (Wonderful people indeed...)
Posted by: 6th generation ozzie of FTG 1:34pm today Comment 309 of 346

And the ever charming and articulate..

Hey, we may be drunk, gamble and have fun with the pro's but hey, at least we dont stink like falafels! remember people, curry is not a deodorant!
Posted by: johnny be good of drunkville 1:33pm today Comment 307 of 346

Of course, this is clearly showing a pattern in the way in which this news article has been interpreted by some of the dear old readers of the Herald Sun, bless their racist and grammatically incorrect souls. And so, I think we can very safely say that the reporting of this sort of so called “issue” does far more harm than good – an idiot and his comments who should have been left alone, have been brought out in an, at best biased and generalized article, and stirred the pot of racial tension.

Thank you Herald Sun. May you asphyxiate on patriotism and national pride come Australia Day.

So Apparently You All Hate Me...

So there it is. I gave you all the freedom to have your say about my blog, and in a late swing of surprise voters, it would seem that a large majority of people feel that if I had any sense of decency left I would crawl under a rock and lie dormant for the next century.

I am impressed by the large number of voting, though of course it is quite possible also that the votes stemmed from solely one dissatisfied, malicious, and tech-savvy reader. In fact, it reminds me a bit of the Green Guide letters section - which is always a good laugh, simply to read the letters that people send in. I myself have been guilty of having letters published, before I realised that it is simply a place where people wanting to have their name in print send letters (and then I started this blog, an immeasurably more worthwhile pursuit, of course).

For those of you not acquainted with the sorts of incisive issues chewed over in the Green Guide Letters section, here's a taster:

"Why do radio presenters (including ABC News Radio) say "let's have a listen to" instead of the more concise and correct "Let's listen to"? We Australians usually abbreviate everything (sometimes cretinously), so adding the superfluous "have a" is puzzling and jarring."

This is typical of the kind of intellctual debate which frequents the half page spread which is the letters section. If you ever wanted to be published in this section, here are some of the traits frequently employed by the time wealthy regulars:

• If you didn't enjoy a program, don't every make the mistake of simply saying "I found it a little bit dull." Everything must be overstated. The program was "the absolute limit", "jarring", "an assault to my ears and mind", "a carnage to common decencies",
• Here are some adjectives and phrases which you will no doubt wish to employ: "I was appalled", "shocked", "Shame on (insert name of station)", "Peter Everett (or other host) is friendly and offensive", and of course the ever versatile "How often have I heard people voice their irritation at loud music drowing out dialogue in various film or TV productions?"
• And lastly, and perhaps most importantly, sarcasm and rhetorical questions. Don't assume that there is a limit to the type of stupid questions you can put forward: "Does Hilary Harper have to end sentences on such a high note?", "Does Channel 10 think its audiences enjoy the offensively grating music which announces the advertisement break during films?" and "Why do you think I send these letters into the Green Guide, because I haven't got anything else to do and putting down things makes me feel bigger?"

And so on.

But I digress. I don't really have a response plan for the poll result, and unfortunately ever since my metallic emotion chip was repaired I have found myself unable to be suitably distraught over polls indicating that I am loathed. So I guess I'll just keep going, and if you really hate me, you can leave a comment telling me, or write into the Green Guide to vent your pent-up frustration at the world.

Shark Killed in Vicious Attack

The shark community was enraged once more this week by the latest in a string of shark deaths following attacks from humans. The latest victim, a 5 year old white pointer, was shot dead, after being mistakenly identified by humans to have eaten a swimmer earlier this year. He was swimming in his territorial waters early this morning, when a coast patrol boat approached him, fatally shooting him in the head. He died within minutes, and was collected on board, to be measured and disposed of as humans saw fit.

Shark liberty group "Fins Float Free" have condemned the death. Spokeshark Peter "Die-Humans-Fucking-Die" Finweed had this to say:

"This is typical of the arrogance of the human race. Firstly, they invade our territories when they swim in our waters at the beach. Of course we're going to eat them, they're swimming in our backyard. Yet there are those among them that fail to see this, instead asking to have the sharks "responsible" for attacks to be destroyed. In order to make us responsible, they have to give us rights as well. We are wild creatures, untamned by humanity's social laws and customs. That they see it fit to hunt us down for behaving like carnivorous fish would be laughable were it not so serious.

Nothing has given them a supreme 'right of way' which excuses them from being a part of the food chain. If they choose to swim in our waters, they can expect to be included in our environment. And that includes as a part of our diet. They are constantly slaughtering other species and environments all over the world, and have begun to hunt us down solely because we threaten their dominance. This is bullying at its worst, and it is time that we took some action, before there are too few of us to make a difference."

Left wing politishark Claudia Jawtooth called for calm admist the messages being put out by groups such as Fins Float Free, which she labelled "scare-mongering" which was bound to incite retributory "vigilante killings". "It is unfortunate, of course, that this tragic death has occurred. You will never hear me say that what happened was provoked or deserved. But nor will you ever hear me support the kind of hate speech promulgated by Mr Finweed. Humans are, for the most part, misunderstood creatures, who, despite their unwitting arrogance, selfishness, and ignorance, are just as deserving of a second chance as any of us. I believe, therefore, that it is imperative for us to develop a mutual relationship of trust between humans, perhaps following in the example of the dolphins, who, following their 1743 Bill of Outreach to Humanity have prospered, garnering greater public support from the ruling species on earth than perhaps any other creature. Boundaries have been crossed by humankind, but let's not become the savage in this equation."

This political storm of opinions and controversy, however, is little comfort for the family who are now missing their favourite fanged killing machine of the ocean.

Mental Abstraction

Yep, I'm feeling incredibly lazy, as is the case during holidays.

Funny story of the week:

This made the front page of The Age on Thursday this week as a story...

Basically, a commercial gallery owner is asked by a photographer whose work he displays, if he would consider some abstract artwork from an artist by the name of Aelita Andre. He takes a look, and likes what he sees. He sets about advertising his new show, with nice "glossy invitations and placing ads in reputable magazines Art Almanac and Art Collector", with these abstract works prominently featured.

And it is only then, they he found out....Aelita Andre is 22 months old. Turns out she's the daughter of the photographer who recommended her. Of course, Mr Jamieson (the gallery owner) is pretty pissed off, quoted as being "shocked, and to be honest, a little embarrassed." Another source claimed he added "Well there goes my fucking credibility. Thanks, you two year old bitch."

However, he decided in the end to proceed with the show, but added that though his gallery supported emerging artists, he would not be "making a habit" of showing children's work.

Age art critic said (when not informed of the artist's age)...

"credible abstractions, maybe playing on Asian screens with their reds. They're heavily reliant on figure/ground relations."

The Entirely Necessary Death Scene for Mr Bounderby

I've just finished reading Hard Times as a set text on the booklist at school, and felt compelled to give the tedious, boring, predictable and incredibly annoying character Mr Bounderby the death he deserved...

And so it was that Mr Bounderby found himself bound, as the pun would have it, with a piece of rough rope, to a rather old table which he had inherited with his house (for, as he was at pains to remind all his acquaintances, he would never have been able to afford it himself, with his far from genteel upbringing).
The young gentlemen who had tied him there was unfamiliar to him, and dressed in strange clothes, almost as if he were a student from the future who was sick to fucking death of Mr Bounderby as a character in the novel Hard Times, which he had been forced to read as it was on the Year 12 list. But indeed, Bounderby would scarcely have been able to tell that, more than he could tell if the young gentlemen were a postman or, Fact forbid, a man of the circus.
“Mr Bounderby,” began the young man, after securing all the ropes tightly. “I’m afraid I have a bit of a bone to pick with you.”
“Indeed, picking bones was just one of the many ways in which I was forced to find some form of nutrition when I was a young street urchin. No venison and turtle soup off gold spoons for old Bounderby, no sir! No, my life was always-”
“Shut up. Please. Now.” The young man paused between each sentence, and his voice was quivering with anger. Bounderby, unable to quantify this peculiar change in his tone in columns or numbers (an allusion made suBtly throughout Hard Times – so suBtly that some readers just wanted to strangle Dickens each time the same message was spewed forth), continued to speak.
“...but with the Hands now, the things they would have from you! Why, just the other day it was that Blackpool. Now he was one of ‘em. He was the sort that would have himself eating venison and turtle soup with golden spoons! If ever I saw one!”

As Mr Bounderby had been gabbling away, the young man turned his back, and began to fumble with a backpack sitting on the plain boards of the living room. He turned back around, with a long, and extremely sharp, knife in his hand. And now, at last, a slight smile curved the corners of his lips.
“If you don’t shut up,” he began, stepping closer, “I will fillet you right now, from head to toe.” Bounderby paused for a moment to glance at him and the knife, before launching into another diatribe.
“Oh well, there might be some who would be offended by such a threat, but I am not one of them. I, who have no claim to high birth or status, I who worked from the age of two on the streets to escape my alcoholic grandmother, I who-AAARGH!!!” His spiel ended in an unexpected yowl as the young man brought the knife down swiftly over his right arm, lopping off his forearm at the elbow. It dropped to the floor with a thud, where it began to ooze blood over the boards. This, however, only halted Bounderby for a moment.
“Oh, there would be some who may be shocked, perhaps even insulted, to have their limbs hacked off! But not me, oh no, not me sir! I would like to say this shocks me, but the truth is that this is naught compared to the brawls and street fighting I was engaged in when I was four years old, and a menace to society. Though perhaps you had best think of Loo, who is standing in the doorway, and of much higher breeding, lest you insult her with your behaviour. No, it is not for me that I ask you stop, for this cannot offend me, who came from the gutters and ditches of the world. But it is for Louisa, who was born into the lap of luxury, that I beseech you to stay your hand.”

The young man turned to Louisa Gradgrind, who was indeed standing in the doorway.
“Do you mind?” he asked her.
“May I?” she asked shyly, reaching for the knife.
“By all means,” invited the young man graciously. But what happened next surprised even him. She strode forward, snatched up the knife, and began to stab with an intensity and energy that was truly impressive.
“You BASTARD!” she yelled, as she brought the knife down in his stomach, spraying her face with a mist of blood. “You fucking, stupid, idiotic, repetitive, 2D piece of shit!” she roared, punctuating each comma with another downward thrust. “Why, didn’t, you, get, the, death, you, deserved!” By now she was quite covered in blood, her face ablaze with fury, as she licked specks of blood from her mouth and turned to the young man.
“....ok....,” said the young man, glancing at Bounderby, who seemed to be thoroughly dead. But suddenly his eyes opened and he began to speak rapidly again.
“Oh this is merely a trifle when compared to the abuse my grandmother used to put me through. Some gentlemen may complain of having their internal organs mangled by a butcher knife, but not me. No, I have never claimed to be a gentlemen-”
He was interrupted as Louisa gave one final stab, and he finally fell silent.



“Thank you...” said the young man.