Vicroads Tightens Probationary Requirements

The Victorian government today announced their hopes that the introduction of another test in the steps before young drivers receive their P plates will help to curb the "unacceptably high" road toll, largely involving inexperienced and "dangerously reckless" drivers on probationary licences.

The new test, which would be an online addition to "complement the already very realistic and useful Hazard Perception Test", involves young drivers completing a single player championship (on 100c) from popular Nintendo video game "Mario Kart".

"A course such as Rainbow Road, for example," explained Licensing Initiatives Manager Karen Blackmore, "ensures that drivers are able to stay in the middle of lanes, even when those lanes go upside down, or are suspended over a starry void without any sort of safety barrier. It's through these sorts of scenarios, which so closely emulate realistic driving situations, that we hope to truly test the crucial skills needed for drivers on the roads."

The stringent new test is aimed at filtering 'hoon behaviour'.

As well as testing skills such as car control, speed control, sharing the road, and when it is appropriate to use a red shell against another vehicle, the simulation would mirror the distractions often present on the roads.


"Because all drivers ought to be able to competently soar across a black abyss with booster mushrooms."

"I think we've all been distracted by bright lights, rocket boosters, bananas, and blue shells at some stage or another," stated Ms Blackmore. "This test allows us to ensure that all drivers are able to adequately prepare for and respond to these hazards safely, whether it be by using their invincibility cube, or their ghost. I think we owe this to parents, families, and communities across Victoria."

The scheme is expected to be rolled out in late October this year.

A Sinister Plan

"But what they do not understand, is that it is MY KEY!" Mr Jefferson exclaimed triumphantly, his hands shaking with supressed excitement and possibly rage. "Myki will allow me to overcharge people slightly for the mediocre service we offer! 300 days on a tertiary concession card will cost $834! Students everywhere will be confused by our inability to explain the system in clear English, without insultingly condescending phrases such as "as simple as" or "all that's needed to top up" or the more disturbingly innuendo laded "touch off"!"

There was a silence around the office, as all the other people in the room realised with horror the truth of his statement. Then they realised it's not really that important, and that public transport is public transport.

The End

Phone Manners

So yesterday I was out in the city when I got a phone call on my mobile from an unrecognised number. I answered it, and couldn't hear anything at all.

Me: Hello? Hello?......HEELLLOOOOO? Who are you? Hello? I can't hear anything...oh God you're tracing my phone so you can kill me aren't you? Hello? *hung up*

Then two minutes later it rings again with the same number and I answer it.

Me: Hello?

Man on phone: Hi this is *** from Degani bakery (where I had applied for a part time job). Can you hear me now?

Good impression. Gooooood.

Malicious Librarian Retires

Intentionally incompetent librarian Daisy Fitzgerald today retired after her 50 years of service in confusing, misleading, and frustrating library users.

In her retirement speech, she acknowledged the good times. "The best times were really when someone would ask me for a specific book, and I'd have no idea where it was. So I'd go 'follow me', and then embark on a rambling tour of the bookshelves, while they stood beside me in polite exasperation, occassionally venturing to say 'it's ok', or 'oh, thank you but nevermind'. Of course, I never let them get away if I could help it. The pained impatience on their faces was a joy."