The Competence Facade

The competence facade is a something which a part of my mind is always working at maintaining. I've come to understand that it relies largely on the amount of energy available. When energy levels are generally high, the competence facade is comfortably maintained. More or less, I'll find myself offering upbeat, positive, 'I got my stuff together' statements.

However, the more tired I become, the less expendable energy there is to regulate this, which I can only presume inevitably leads to this exchange between the small cerebral denizens who decide how power is allocated to different brain processes:

"We're running on reduced processing power, what should we do?"

"We need to cut power from somewhere...I guess we'll do the usual?"

"Yep, bring down the competence illusion."

After this, the response to that conversational staple question, "How are you?", can be a very different one:

And the asker is left trying to figure out the best way to extricate themselves from a terrifying monologue of raw emotional and psychological anxiety that should never have seen the light of day (or the light of polite conversation, at least).

On lowered energy, I no longer believe I am competent. I no longer care if I am seen as competent. I cease to trust myself to run my own life, and begin to doubt every decision I have made thus far.

I am overwhelmed with the desire to be a child again, tucked up warm and safe in bed, knowing that the big world out there is out of my control, and I don't need to worry about it.

So usually I do just that, until I have slept well enough that my mind can re-assemble the facade, and 'competent' mental governance of my life can resume.