Gelati Gecko Greeting Cards

Every time I go to the newsagents looking for a card, I find myself underwhelmed by the choices available. It always seems to me that the cards there can be sorted into a few categories:

Serious and Sincere

These are the flowery "Dearest Mother, you have been there since day one" type cards, which I never really browse as they hold very little emotional resonance for me. They include condolences, congratulations, all in sugary pastels, sometimes adorned with a tastefully selected glittery flower or two. The edge might also be cut in a wavy, 'soft' edge (especially important for condolence cards, as the last thing you want to do to a grieving friend is give them a paper-cut).

Retro 1950s

These are the ones with black and white photos and 'outrageous' captions. The ideal of the 50s housewife is a particularly prevalent theme, as beaming housewives on the front belie the quip about alcoholism and unhappy marriage, or the innuendo-laden punchline hidden within.

However, they are not all satirical. Sometimes it can be something simple such as a black and white photograph of an elderly couple together, with a quote inside about the transience of life and the beauty of flourishing love within it. But these sorts of 50s cards really belong more to the next category...

Animals and Photography

Often blank inside, or accompanied by a poignant statement on humanity, these are of the 'giraffe mother and calf grazing at sunset', 'very old and wrinkled lady laughing as she holds a newborn baby', 'dozing cat and mouse curled up together on a cushion' ilk.

They show whoever you're giving it to that you're sensitive, appreciate photography, and have thought a great deal about the quote on the card, and decided that it is a message which is most salient for them at this particular point in their lives. It certainly shows them also that you have taste and decency enough not to offer them a card from the last category...

"Humour"

Within the humour category, there are subcategories again:

• Genuinely humorous: These have a cleverly drawn cartoon, with an accompanying punchline inside the card, which might cause a chuckle. They may be a little risque, but in the end you can be reasonably sure of their positive reception.
• Jokes pertaining to flatulence and other bodily functions: These are without a doubt the lowest of the low. These cards are the lecherous middle aged man in the card rack, leering and cackling at you as you walk past. You feel dirty if you ever pick them up 'just to check' if the punchline is as disappointing as you expect. It inevitably is.
• Crass sexual jokes: There is nothing more to be said, except that if I ever receive one of these cards I will forever think more lowly of the sender (unless it's deliberately ironic, in which case that was very clever of you indeed).
• Age jokes: These are possibly the least humorous of the 'humorous' cards section. Yet don't be fooled by their uninspired and inoffensive front - they are the ones most likely to encourage binge drinking, usually in order to forget the horrific revelation that your life is halfway spent, and you now have less chance than ever of doing the things you always dreamed you would and could in your younger years.

And many times, I have finished my perusal of all the aforementioned categories, ending with a demoralising examination of every single 'humour' card, and found that there are no cards that have the attitude, artistic direction, and message that I want.

And so, more often than not, I make my own card, and take a bizarre pride in presenting (to friends on their birthdays) misshapen, smudged, aesthetically challenged cards with crossed-out and wonky messages scrawled horizontally, then finally vertically, as I realised halfway through that the writing size I chose at the start was roughly ten times too big. The confused recipient will often look at me with a combination of bewilderment and polite acceptance, as they wonder whether the torn piece of paper they are holding in their hands is a symbol of my psychotic obsession with them (generally, it isn't).

And so I encourage you all to go forth and make cards for your friends! Fashion them from newspaper, egg cartons, whatever you can find!

And above all, don't just write "To Blah....From Bleh." And that includes people who think that writing "Dear" conveys sufficient affection to get them off the hook from writing a personal message that explains how and why that person is important to you.

And as usual, Man Stroke Woman perhaps closes the whole greeting card issue best.