Pocket Spring System

American lady on video: People say that mattresses need to be firm in order to support you. But if that were the case, we'd all be sleeping on concrete! (smiles and pauses to allow me to reflect that sleeping on concrete is indeed disagreeable.) Our beds are tailored to you, to your postural needs, contouring to your body, to provide a sleeping experience that will leave you refreshed.

Me (lying on mattress that is apparently measuring all my exact needs): ...

American lady on video: At this very moment, thousands of calculations are being made by our software to accurately determine your pressure points and position on our postural support spectrum.

Me: ...

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Ok so that's showing that you fit into the 'Tan' part of the spectrum, so I can take you and show you some of the beds. Do you sleep on your side?

Me: Yes.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Ok so try this bed here this is based on over 1080 calculations to determine where you need support when you sleep because when you sleep badly do you know what happens?

Me (in head): Don't patronise me.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: You get aches and pains in your cartilage, muscles, bones, joints, etc., and that leads to long term pain which is bad yes? Yes. Here lie down and try this mattress.

Me: (lies down on mattress)

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Ah see how you're lying with your arm under the pillow (pulls my arm out from under the pillow). You can lie like that, feel how that's easier on your body yes? Your body was wanting to be released. I see it all the time. People sitting in office chairs, their posture suffers. They are sitting like this at first (shows upright posture) but then after a while they get all like this (hunches). Then they sit back again and I go "why are you doing that" and they go "because I'm stretching" but they're not, they're just returning FROM stretching, because they were stretching when they were hunched, and their body was wanting to be released from that pressure, etc., you see?

Me (put my arm back under the pillow).

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: No no, out from under the pillow (pulling my arm back out).

Me: Oh, sorry.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman (smiling): Sorry? No, no, don't be sorry. Haha. Maybe if you hurt me emotionally, physically, mentally, then be sorry. But not sorry now, don't say sorry. But see if you lie like this it's better.

Me: Right.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Do you ever get pins and needles in your arm?

Me: Yes, sometimes.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Do you know why you get them?

Me: Because when I sleep on my arm I cut off the circulation to my arm due to the weight placed on it.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman (patronisingly...or so I perceived): NEARLY. When you're like this, your heart works harder, and has to pump more to get blood around, and that's why you wake up and have "argh" with the pins and needles, etc.

Me (in head): I liked my explanation better.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Once you sleep in this bed, it feels good, yes? Lying in it, it's comfortable?

Me: Yes, quite comfortable.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Because you mustn't think of mattresses in terms of 'soft' and 'hard'. There is only comfortable and uncomfortable.

Me: Ah.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: And when you wake up, you will feel like you've slept, because comfort leads to relaxing, which leads to faster getting to sleep, and then your body can get into the sleep cycle (making cycle motions with hands) and you get better rest.

Me (in head): No shit.

Over-enthused yet humourless salesman: Once you've slept in this, you won't feel tired when you wake up. You know that "10 more mins" (mimes slapping an alarm clock repeatedly) feeling, yes? Well you won't have that if you have a good mattress.



I left the store a little while after.


Why did I have that conversation?