Daytime TV

Daytime television nearly always leaves me feeling depressed, confused, and upset at the hours I have lost watching it.

And so the last time I was watching, I decided that it was time to get to the bottom of why.

The reason became patently clear once I started actually looking for it. It isn’t the programming, even though the mildly amusing 80s American ‘thrillers’ enjoy a more privileged midday movie position than they should.

The reason is what goes in between the programs.

It’s the ads.

Ads in different timeslots address us differently. During Masterchef, we might be bombarded with ads encouraging us to incorporate Western Star butter into our culinary adventures, or to use Handee Ultra when we (or our exceptionally gifted children) make a mess in the process of crafting the perfect chocolate fondant.

But daytime television ads are different. These are just some of the things they tell us:

- You are flabby, and need to purchase an Ab-Pro or similar to tone your body

- You are fat, and need to join Weight Watchers to lose the weight and keep it off

- You are too hairy, and need to go to a painless laser place to remove unwanted hair

- You are going bald, and need to visit Ashley and Martin (I’m never sure whether this name is the two surnames of the business partners, or the first names of a homely couple who run a pretty slick hair regrowth clinic)

- You have bad teeth – they are either too sensitive, and you need Sensodyne (advertisement complete with erratic camera cuts), or they are yellow and unattractive, in which case you need a UV whitening light (a solarium for your mouth? Sure, sounds harmless enough)

- You need Foxtel, because the fifteen or so free to air channels are not enough to satisfy your endless search for mind-numbing content. Also, your life will revolve around recording, re-watching, replaying and basically living off, your new Foxtel channels

- You are involved in a lengthy and very costly legal struggle, and require some ‘no win, no cost’ lawyers to help you out with an obligation free phone call

- Your skin is too pale; you need to tan up either with a spray, lotion, or good ole’ solarium

- You have severe acne which is inhibiting your life – you must use the same thing that Delta Goodrem used

- You are in severe debt, and it is time to call a helpline

When I’m pummelled with these ads during the day, I begin to feel sick. I feel that my life is wasting away in front of the television. How will I foot the bills for the arduous legal battle I’m embroiled in anyway?

By addressing us with these messages, the advertisements attempt to shepherd people into the respective roles, and it is this that depresses me.

The final message is, perhaps, all things considered, the kindest one.

Having constructed daytime TV watchers as balding, pasty, chubby, legally hopeless, hairy, gat toothed, debt-ridden, afflicted individuals, the advertisements at least have the mercy to remind us that we will probably die soon.

Grandparents, ruffling a small child’s hair before staring down the camera and smiling serenely as they say,

“We love to keep active and enjoy life. But we know we won’t be around for much longer.”

Then some crisp, suited up woman usually spring in and starts spruiking a funeral plan or life insurance scheme that will mean no family has to bear the financial burden of all the funeral costs. It is always entertaining to watch them attempt to make the proposition of “if you give me your money now, I will help pay for your funeral later” sound tasteful.

And that is why I don’t like daytime TV.