I Write Like Me

A close friend introduced me to a curious website today. It is called "I Write Like", and claims to tell you which famous authors you are similar to in terms of writing style.

http://iwl.me/

'What a great idea!' I thought to myself. So immediately I set about seeing if my Dickens parody was like Dickens, my The Importance of Being Earnest spoof similar to Wilde, or my Year 12 Lit SAC on The French Lieutenant's Woman was like John Fowles.

And after receiving mixed responses, including quite an adamant consensus by the website that my blog style is most closely aligned with that of H. P. Lovecraft, pioneering gothic and horror writer, whose works had the unifying theme of 'cosmic horror', or the incomprehensibility of human existence and life (perhaps not entirely mismatched).

I am easily distracted by websites such as this one. And so it is that I am going to attempt to discover what it is that makes this site match writing with specific authors.

***STOP READING NOW IF YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN A DETAILED, QUASI-SCIENTIFIC SERIES OF HYPOTHESES AND TESTING***

Hypothesis #1: The website merely links you to authors based on word association, not tone or style.

Test 1: Harry Potter

This test is very straightforward. I chose a gothic story I had written which received the label of 'Oscar Wilde'.

I then prefaced this with: "Hermione, Harry, Ron, Dumbledore, Snape, Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Salazar Slytherin, Helga Hufflepuff, Hagrid, Hogwarts, Lupin, Flitwick, Expelliarmus, Avada Kedavra."

These are all specific to Harry Potter. Not to the broader fantasy genre, but specifically Harry Potter.

And lo, suddenly I was writing like J.K. Rowling, according to the website.

Conclusion: Hypothesis #1 has been supported by this experiment.

I actually don't have any more hypotheses after that. It seems I've cracked the code. But now comes the best part - trying to get your writing named as certain authors, without using words which directly reference their writing...in only a few sentences.

For example:

J.K. Rowling

"You shouldn't have done that," said Gemima, frowning disapprovingly.

"It wasn't stealing! There was nobody there anyway," replied George defensively, feeling a twinge of guilt all the same.

Success!

Charles Dickens

Not 5 years ago, had you asked the inhabitants of Lyme whether Mr Bumblescoff was a hard working man, you would almost certainly have received a response firmly planted in the negative, but today, this was certainly not the case - indeed, it was well known (and, one suspects, enthusiastically circulated by Mr Bumblescoff himself!) that he was the very epitome of respectability, industry, and productivity.

Success!

etc.

This was posted on the 27th August!

I know that there are plenty of people in the world who (passively, through raising awareness and combatting ignorance) fight for honourable causes.

For equality of all individuals, for the right for all individuals to live in a world unspoilt by human avarice.

For the right to education.

These are noble fights.

This is not a noble fight.

This is a petty, small-minded fight which I have tried to stop myself from fighting.

But some part of my mind, quite possibly adjacent to the grammarckle, insists that I cannot rest until I have voiced the indignation bubbling inside me.

Like an insidious virus, an illogical, incomprehensible habit has been burrowing its way into the English language, and has now reached near universal usage.

I am, of course, talking about how it is now apparently the standard to put the month beforethe date. So that dates read like this:

June 14, 2010

Instead of:

14th June, 2010

Why?! Why, why, why?

I have tried to find some sort of justification behind it, but it is insensible to basic reason.

Possible reasons are:

- Now we can instantly see the month, without having to scan the two letters before it. This saves us precious time, because we live in an age when we are processing and storing more information and data than ever before.

- ....

There is no logical reasoning behind this change, and it is even worse when applied to dates written like this:

12/08/10

becomes..

08/12/10

By that I don't mean that the 12th of August becomes the 8th of December, although it does look like that. I'm going to be the conservative in this debate. Why would we change a logical system, moving from the smallest unit of time (days) to the largest (years)?

That's a real question. If you have any ideas, let me know...

The Grammarckle

The grammarckle is a creature which lives within my mind. It resides there quite peacefully, passing its time assisting me with my writing, doing its best to make sure that sentences are constructed logically and with correct syntax, etc.

Except that this is never quite enough for the grammarckle. The grammarckle is a highly opportunistic and ambitious creature, and will eagerly seize upon any opportunity which arises to dominate the mind of its host.

This most often occurs when the mind is unoccupied, bored, or angry. The grammarckle uses these moments to "subjugate the mind to its invariably grammar-related whims" (Masters and Smith, 2006).

This can manifest itself in a few different ways. One of these is in situations where brain activity is sluggish, where the boredom is such that the grammarckle is able to almost completely assert control of mental faculties, so that every small grammatical error or ambiguity it detects is leapt upon with vicious, spiteful, joy.

For example:

Harry was zoning in and out of the P.R. lecture, which was just a mish-mash of acronyms, tree diagrams, and target publics, which were being 'revised' for the umpteenth time. Suddenly he looked up at the slide and noticed that the lecturer had written 'bare' when in fact they meant 'bear'.

Somehow unable to contain himself, Harry nudged the people around him, and pointed out the spelling mistake. The grammarckle within him purred in silky contentment.

The grammarckle has taken control here, and will usually use its host as a means of informing other grammarkcles living inside nearby hosts of its discovery (Masters and Smith, 2006).

It would be very easy to conclude that the grammarckle only ever exerts a negative influence, but this would be to understate the important role a humble grammarckle plays in society - to maintain vigilance against lax expression and spelling.

Acknowledge your grammarckle, and appreciate it.

Yet you must know how to control it, because an unleashed grammarckle can cause havoc with its self-righteous, tactless ways. Most guides advise that grammarckle may be placated with "a bowl of roughly chopped quince and lamb's fry, or a new word to play with," (Williams, 2009).

References:

• Masters, John, and Smith, Geraldine, Mind Over Matter: How the Grammarckle Is Controlling Us All, published by Cambridge University Press, 2006, Cambridge
• Williams, Henry, Taming the Grammarckle Within, published by Random House, 2009, Canberra (pp. 30-56)

Thinking Pug: On Voting

"I'm not a stalker," insists observant Facebook user

A man who understandably wishes to remain anonymous yesterday committed a major gaffe by letting slip to a co-worker his awareness of a Facebook photo she and a mutual friend had been commenting on extensively.

"He just dropped it into conversation," the co-worker said.

"It was so awkward. How could he have known that? It was a private exchange just between myself, my friend, and every single one of our mutual friends who could see it in their news feed," she elaborated.

"It's so inappropriate that he should know that!"

Other workers who witnessed the incident described it as "truly cringeworthy".

"You could see from the moment he said it, he realised it was one of those things he should simply be aware of, but never raise in social conversation," Samantha Preemslydale recalled.

This is not the first time that the privacy of Facebook has been an issue of public debate. The International Stalking Education and Evaluation Union (ISEEU) have previously condemned the "inexcusably lax" privacy settings of the popular social networking site.

"It's just putting people like us out of a job," ISEEU Treasurer Tom Peeper said.

"Once upon a time, there was an art to stalking. It was a kind of flirtatious, wild, foreplay, to unravel the secret web of facts that are hidden behind the person in the street.

"Since Facebook, everything is laid bare. It's no longer a challenge, and not nearly as rewarding."

Facebook have urged people to ignore the fact that everything they put on Facebook is Facebook's property, and to continue to upload their lives into the social networking site, which is used to attract targeted advertisements.

8.40pm update: The man has been identified as Gerald Driver, a 29 year old man who lives in Essex, UK.

His birthdate is 15th August 1981, and he is a fan of 'I'm the boy who lived LOL JKS I'm Cedric Diggory', 'I lock my animal in my room when I get lonely', and 'When I'm home alone and I hear a noise...I completely freeze'.

He states his political views as 'socially conservative, economically neo-liberal', is interested in women, looking for 'friendship', and his favourite quotations include Winston Churchill's "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

He has 214 friends and his last status update was "Gerald Driver has had enough of embarasing himself lol!"

Commuter Exchanges Awkward Banter With Ticket Inspector

A train commuter today made a concerted effort to display a friendly, polite, and compassionate attitude towards an Authorised Public Transport Officer.

"I wanted to show that I realise it's not their fault, and that they are just doing their job," explained regular commuter Steven Jeffreys. "Unfortunately they interpreted my polite veneer of civility as a genuine interest in socially interacting with them after they had checked my ticket."

Jeffreys felt 'caught' and 'trapped', as the team of three inspectors proceeded to ask him mundane questions about his ticket.

"They asked me, 'Is the myki system working ok?' I replied 'yes, it is,' " he said of the incident, which he concedes probably only lasted 'a minute or two' but felt like 'an eternity of awkwardness'.

Jeffreys admitted also that he frequently suffers from extreme annoyance, anger, and frustration when asked to interact with other human beings in any way whatsoever. "As soon as I get on the train, it's iPod on, fuck off everyone," he said lightly.

The Metro staff claimed to have been unaware of Jeffreys' discomfort, and were concerned when approached for a comment today.

"That's news to me," said Team Leader Catherine Martins, adjusting her Metro badge, which is approximately the same size and weight as a newborn child.

No, I'M the underdog!

Apparently Tony Abbott believes he is the underdog/battler/David against Goliath.

He's also "pleased and proud to be leading a team which wants a better style of politics in Australia and certainly we'll keep running the kind of campaign you've seen over the past few weeks."

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/politics-news/im-the-election-underdog-says-trailing-tony-abbott/story-fn59nqld-12259

05218409

Good for him.

Thinking Pug: How Long Is A Life?

Scribble From Journalism

The red-handled lover

Jewellery prices might have skyrocketed in the past few months, but one man didn’t let that stop him getting his fiancée the ring she deserved.

35-year-old Brendan O’Connell was today charged with three counts of armed robbery, and one count of armed assault, when police arrested him this afternoon.

O’Connell explained to police that his robbery of three rings from a Carlton jewellery store, during which he held the female shop attendant at knifepoint, using a red-handled kitchen knife as a weapon, was all in order to give his girlfriend Sarah the proposal she deserves

The three rings, priced at over $8000 each, were stolen at the end of a morning-long spate of robberies, including one incident which left a shop attendant in St Vincent’s Hospital with serious cuts and bruises after a vicious attack by O’Connell.

Yet he insists that it was worth it “for the lovely smile on Sarah’s very pretty face.”

The elusive Sarah has been unavailable for comment. “She is very, very, touched by Brendan’s selfless gesture,” said her mother, Rachel Simms. Ms Simms further disclosed that if O’Connell manages to get bail tomorrow, Sarah would be ‘very receptive’ to any ‘proposals’ he might have.

University student ‘disappointed’ by mediocre satirical article

A university student was today ‘a little underwhelmed’ by a satirical article he wrote during a lengthy journalism tute.

“It started off really promisingly,” the student said of his article, which took an obscure angle on a news story he was writing for assessment.

“There was a general feeling that I’d hit upon quite an entertaining premise,” he recalled. “But the more I wrote, the less funny it seemed to become…it sort of fell apart in my hands.

“Many things do these days,” he sighed indulgently.

The satirical article was unavailable for comment.

Journalistic Credibility

A friend pointed out to me tonight that the journalistic credibility of my blog may have been compromised by my mentioning of Adobe Illustrator in the posts below.

This alarmed me, until I realised that it was an observation made on a few assumptions:

1. My blog had some journalistic credibility to lose.

2. My blog has an audience with whom journalistic credibility can be lost and gained.

3. The images below serve to positively demonstrate the dizzying heights of artistic genius which can be achieved with Adobe Illustrator.

Ok, let's start with the first assumption. I don't really know what this blog is, but I would hesitate before describing it as a 'journalistic' blog. It's really just a mish mash of personal, 'satirical' (that's the ones that have been trying, in increasingly desperate measures, to be funny), and bizarre (I actually have no idea where those pug pictures came from. It was late and I was tired. Actually there's a fair bit more to be said on this. When I'm tired, I tend to think, write, and create more outlandish, offensive, bizarre, strange things. I tend to think of it as my creative Mr Hyde. I sometimes think he shouldn't be let out....but he has helped me through many an English assessment, and ultimately I enjoy giving him a bit of freedom every now and then. I apologise for having grossly abused this parenthesis).

Jonathan Holmes (smugly, as he is probably incapable of any other delivery): But that doesn't excuse the sloppy product placement. Running an endorsement as a headline is one of the most basic of journalistic errors, and Gelati Gecko's slip up has simply illustrated some fairly slack editorial skills. (Indulgent wry smile.)

Thinking Pug: Politics

Adobe Illustrator Is The Best!

Demarchy

The solution to the poll-driven, apathy rich, misinformed wonder that is Australian politics is at hand.

Demarchy is the appointment of randomly selected people to rule a country. If a randomly selected segment of the Australian public were chosen to rule, the arguments in favour of demarchy roughly seem to go:

• There wouldn't be any pressure on them to be elected, play to the media, or pander to specific interest groups. All that they would have to do is make policy decisions which are best for Australia
• They would be informed by experts in areas of specific policy, and make a decision based on the information given to them, like a jury, and not on uniformly held idealogical principles.
• As they are 'the people', they truly represent Australians, and are not in the position for power or honour, but so that they can bring to the policy making decisions the views and needs of the Australian public.

Of course, there are many problems with the concept of a demarchy, not least that a randomly selected group may not be representative, and that it could just be a deadlocked room full of opposing views.

But then again...when a democratic election runs like this...

Gillard and Abbott (in unison): Boat People! Boat People! Fuck! Boat people! Needa stop the goddamn boat people! Shit! Imma stop them first! Oh God! You can trust me to stop these boat people! Oh God they're going to....umm....threaten our way of life and shit, just trust me! Oh for the love of God, the boat people!

Gillard: Let's have an informed debate, Mr Abbott, free of empty rhetoric, vague directional metaphors, and scare-mongering. The Australia population deserve better. A debate, so that Australians can see what their real choices are.

Gillard and Abbott: TAXESBOATPEOPLEMOVINGFORWARD REALACTION TRUE ECONOMIC SENSE TRUSTECONOMYSAFETYTAXES INTEREST RATES BOATPEOPLEAGAIN MININGTAX CAN'T TRUST THEMKEVINLEMON HEALTHCAREREALREFORM CHANGE FOR WORKINGFAMILIESMOVINGFORWARD REAL ACTION DONTFORGETTHEFUCKINGBOATPEOPLE!

Gillard: I'm going to be the real Gillard from now on! I'm throwing out the rules!

Abbott: See? I love women! It's ok, I love women, therefore the Coalition's policies will be better! You can't trust the government on environmental action though!

Gillard: Not a big Australia, but a sustainable Australia.

Abbott: Oh, and also boat people. Those tricky fucking boat people.

Commentators: It'll be interesting to see which campaign strategy works out in the end. They're both trying different tactics, taglines, buzz words, advertisements, sliming, soundbites.

Off you go now Australians. Go vote. Make a truly informed choice. Australia has a remarkable level of citizen involvement, you know. Our compulsory voting system ensures that we have a healthy democracy.

Litjokes Nostalgia

Passage Analysis: Use the following passage for a discussion of Hedda Gabler X36 V.02

Aunt Julle: Ah but Jorgen! You managed to LAN up Hedda X36, the most streamlined operating system in town! She’s the next model from the great Gablermatic! I still remember the times I used to see them micro-processing together, the most powerful machines in the village...except for Lovborg, of course...but, well...after he picked up all those...

Tesman: Viruses, and his operating system went down. Ah well...I don’t suppose there’s any good news to be had there...

Aunt Julle [briskly]: Ah, well. Let’s not speak of that. But oh, that Hedda X36! In her lustrous gleaming titanium casing!

Tesman: Eh? Oh yes, Aunt Julle! Just think! There must be quite a few cyborgs in the village simply defragmenting their C drives in jealousy! [Nodding at Aunt Julle’s monitor.] What’s that you’ve got there Aunt Julle?

Aunt Julle: Oh, it’s nothing, just a 19 inch plasma screen I bought to replace my old one...so that Hedda X36 shouldn’t be ashamed of me if we go online together.

Tesman: Oh Aunt Julle! You think of everything! And what’s that smart new wireless mouse in your claw?

Aunt Julle: This? Oh, well...it’s a Toshiba Bluetooth mouse I bought – again, for Hedda X36.

Tesman [Turning his infrared sensors towards stage left.]: What’s that? I think I hear her coming now!

[There is a metallic whirring sound, and a small hatch opens in the ceiling. First Hedda’s steel wheels, then the rest of her body, descend through the hatch. She is dressed in a light morning dress of the latest fashion. A propeller is protruding from her hair, which is a light brown, though not noticeably abundant. The whirring slows as she nears the ground, and she alights in the drawing room gently. The propeller folds itself up and goes back into her head.]

Tesman: Ah! There you are, Hedda X36! Did you recharge well?

Hedda X36 [Dismissively]: Oh yes. Tolerably.

Tesman: Tolerably! I like that! You were 98% recharged when I left you this morning!

Hedda X36 [ignoring him]: Aunt Julle! What an early visit! Did you need your cables re-crossed?

Aunt Julle [nervously]: Oh no, I just came here to say hello, you know, check there weren’t any things I could help with...

Hedda X36: Well, I’ve almost finished installing the Microsoft Vista processing system – I suppose everything in this house is Microsoft Vista, Jorgen?

Tesman [awkwardly]: Come now Hedda, you know it is. Not quite the efficient computing power you’re used to, of course...but I’m sure we shall be able to upgrade in time, and after all-

Hedda X36 [coldly]: Yes, I suppose one must adjust. By degrees.

Aunt Julle: And with your post as Internet History organiser almost confirmed, dear Jorgen, I daresay it shan’t be too long! Arranging and sorting, that’s what you’re built for!

Tesman: Yes, yes Aunt Julle! Exactly right, Hedda X36! We must only be patient, and-

Hedda X36: Oh! We shall never manage with this new droid!

Aunt Julle: Not manage with B1110? Whatever is the-

Hedda X36: She’s gone and left her old Toshiba Bluetooth mouse lying on the couch!

Tesman: Hedda X36!

Hedda X36: Well supposing our webcams were to film it? Why would B1110 have just tossed it down! One isn’t programmed to do that kind of thing!

Aunt Julle: Ah, well, it’s actually registered under my computing system, Hedda X36. [Under her breath as she picks it up with her metal claw] And it’s not old, either...it’s the second newest prototype.

Hedda X36: Is it? Ah, well, I really didn’t run it through all the databases in my system.

Aunt Julle: That’s quite understandable – and with a database which seems to be growing larger and larger every day since you and Jorgen have come back from your ...

Hedda X36 [firmly]: It is not, thank you.

Aunt Julle: Well...I’ll be seeing you later, Jorgen.

[Tesman and Aunt Julle go whirring out of the room on their wheels. Hedda X36 zooms around the room angrily on her hoverpad, her monitor flashing bright red.]

Tesman [returning]: Well what of the house, Hedda X36?

Hedda X36 [again, ignoring his question]: Do you think that Aunt Julle was upset?

Tesman: Oh, I don’t know...she doesn’t usually get upset about that sort of thing.

Hedda X36: I suppose I could send her a poke on Facebook...

Tesman: Oh would you, Hedda X36? And could you add her on MSN?

Hedda X36: No, no, you mustn’t ask me to do that. I shall ‘like’ her Facebook status updates, but that is all.

Tesman: Very well, Hedda X36.

Hedda X36 [suddenly irritable]: I am fed up with the internet filter on the Microsoft Vista updates – I would like them removed. I can’t access the archives of my MSN conversations with Lovborg.

Tesman: But why, Hedda, do you think that would really do?

Hedda X36 [sighing, getting up and retreating to the inner pod]: No, of course. It wouldn’t do. Oh well...there is at least one thing which I can use my spare processing power on...

Tesman: Eh, what’s that Hedda X36? Hedda X36?

Hedda X36 [raising her volume]: My USBs, Jorgen. The Gablermatic’s USBs.

Tesman [squeakily wheeling after her]: No! Hedda X36! You mustn’t play with them! They have enough power to take out a motherboard! Hedda X36!

Written Analysis:

Ibsen very deliberately chooses the way in which Hedda X36 is referenced to prior to her entry on stage. Aunt Julle makes a connection with her superior model, the “Gablermatic”, which establishes Hedda X36 as the model of the Gablermatic, rather than being electronically partnered with Tesman. Her entry is also highly significant, as it highlights the higher level through which Hedda X36 literally enters the Tesman household. Ibsen uses this opening scene to set up the tension which will ensue throughout the play, as Hedda X36 is incompatible with the bourgeois operating system of Windows Vista, and finds the restrictions on her internet freedom confining, yet she is resigned to this fate, accepting that “one must adjust. By degrees.” Indeed, it is Hedda X36’s acceptance of what becomes somewhat of a catchcry of the play, “one isn’t programmed to do that kind of thing”, which ultimately results in her perpetual oppression and imprisonment within society.

The only release left open to Hedda X36 are the USBs left to her by the Gablermatic, which Tesman warns her “have enough power to take out a motherboard!” Ibsen uses this warning to highlight Hedda X36’s rejection of her new expected role as mother to another cyborg. She violently rejects Aunt Julle’s insinuations, and is openly rude to her new aunt.

Ibsen also uses these establishing scenes to introduce the theme of circumlocution, as we first see that both Tesman and Aunt Julle are very uncomfortable discussing Lovborg’s sexual forays on the internet, which have resulted in him receiving the “viruses”, resulting in his social ostracism. In a similar way Aunt Julle only hints at Hedda X36’s pregnancy, as she tells Hedda X36 that her “database...seems to be growing larger and larger every day since you and Jorgen have come back”. Family, the bourgeois Windows Vista, and the oppression of an internet filter have all begun to take their hold on Hedda X36 from the outset, a hold which will result in tragedy.