Silly Nostalgia

I mean honestly. Nostalgia must be one of the strangest emotional states I've ever experienced.

What is it? How do you describe it outside of this term? It's sadness, remembered happiness, and a vague, dull, sense of loss. I was wondering today whether it's in any way useful. I suppose as a survival device it helps us remember a certain time or state or place or situation when were happy or safe, and so we can seek to emulate those circumstances, and hence keep ourselves alive.

But outside of that, it really doesn't do much except make you feel that odd combination of emotions.

I'm feeling it about school. The institution where I never had to choose, never had to think about my life and where I was going. All I had to choose were subjects. The rest was sorted for me. There's the class situation too. Tutes at uni just aren't the same. The conversations in English and Lit classes, the confusion and time wasting with friends in Maths...these situations can't be recreated. And probably shouldn't, for the sake of progress and a healthy mental state.

But nothing is sorted now. Now that I can do anything, I just don't know what to do.

At first, being a fan of Silent Witness, I thought I should be a forensic scientist because I'd be cool and competent and clever and good-looking and British and work with colleagues like these people:

But then I realised that it wouldn't be like the acclaimed BBC thriller at all, and most likely I'd be shut in a room with smelly corpses all by myself. Then I thought that perhaps I'd like to be spy, involved in high-security operations, with clever quips when I defeated people, and tense racy music as I waited for USBs to download top secret files. It must be said, Spooks (when is the next season coming out on ABC??!) makes it look terribly exciting.

But then the spies in that show have a pretty high turnover rate (Adam, left, died last year, presumably so that the actor Rupert Penry-Jones could go on to star in every BBC production since). And don't get me started on MasterChef.

It's not as if I'm overly dwelling on it. It just occurred to me. I'll be sure not to bring it up with the official running my driving test tomorrow:

Test instructor: Turn left, into the left lane.

Me: But I mean honestly, it's such an intangible feeling, isn't it? With rage, or anger, or happiness...they're more noticeable. You can say, I'm feeling happy, or I'm angry, and you know it. But nostalgia, see-

Test instructor: Turn left at the next street.

Me: See, it's so much vaguer and impossible to pinpoint. I don't even know if I enjoy feeling it or not...if it's healthy to wallow in it. Do you think-

Test instructor: Where possible, complete a three point turn.

Me: What, you mean here in this court, or in a metaphorical life sense?

I should probably get some sleep for that test now.