Leftovers

I found these on my USB. They were never published in the last edition of Sentinel, as it was cruelly aborted before it saw the sky or tasted fresh air. Here I dump them to rest in peace.

NEWSFLASH: MX'S 'VENT YOUR SPLEEN' SEES 80% DROP IN REASONING, GRAMMAR, BASIC LOGIC

Zealous Substitute Teachers Plan World ChangeSubstitute teachers convened yesterday in Canberra to discuss possible means of solving the major issues plaguing today’s Western societies, including global warming, the economic crisis, and terrorism.

Brenda Ballymoral, 31, stated that she felt it was “really only a small jump from doing what we do in schools. We come into a class of unmotivated students who have absolutely no desire whatsoever to do any work, and we gently coax and nudge them, until by the end of the lesson we have a group of students who are unmotivated, and have absolutely no desire whatsoever to do any work. We feel confident that these skills are readily transferable into global forums on pressing current issues.”

Suggested strategies for tackling the complex issues included ineffectually shushing international bodies preventing the development of solutions, awareness campaigns with confronting slogans such as “Come on now, let’s stop being silly, this isn’t lunchtime, let’s get some work done on climate change, ok? In silence, please”, and engaging in important ‘dialogues’ with scientists who know what they’re doing and really just want to be left alone.

New Addition to Archibald Collection Doesn’t Phail to Delight
An unusual entry in the prestigious Archibald art competition has raised a few eyebrows in the high-brow art society around Australia. The somewhat controversial painting features a large and crudely drawn phallus, entitled ‘Your Mum’, painted by young aspiring artist from Victoria, Edgar Smithson, aged 15.

Director of the Archibald competition for 2010 Peter Brown explained the unorthodox choice making it into the finalists’ shortlist. “We’re always seeking to move with society, and current trends,” he stated at a press conference yesterday. “We feel that if this is the direction art is moving in, we would like to grab it with both hands, and ensure we stay at the forefront of the artistic zeitgeist. This exciting new work, which demonstrates Smithson’s obvious enthusiasm for Freudian psychology – both Oedipal longing and penis envy clearly influencing his work – is yet further proof that the future of the artistic community in Australia is bright indeed.”

Smithson has given nothing away, answering cryptically to questions as to how his work was a reflection of the gender roles forced upon women in our current society, with “fucked if I know. I just drew a cock.”