13 June, 2009

Snuggies' Necromancers Rejoice at Worldwide Success

The Snuggies phenomenon has been sweeping the world, as the craze of the blanket-like garment takes hold. But it is little known that this fad has its origins in America, and specifically the Crypt Worms Church of the Pentagon, a dark magic cult devoted to raising the dead to serve its bidding. High Acolyte Stephen Mortis smiled gently when asked to comment on the worldwide success of their product. “We knew it was only a matter of time until the Snuggie caught on. And slowly but surely, it is converting millions across the globe, to join us in our goal of raising the Dark Lord Satan into life-giving flesh and blood,” he said quietly, before disappearing, wreathed in smoke and flame.


Above: High Acolyte Stephen Mortis finds some downtime - of course, still garbed in his Snuggie.

The Snuggie comes in three colours – a blood red, said to “symbolise the blood of sacrifices which must be made in order to bring the Covenant of the Dead into being”, icy blue, “to represent the cold and unrelenting grip of death which we must embrace”, and a sage green only awarded to the highest echelons of the Church. High Priestess Janet Buttersworth celebrated the benefits of the Snuggie which have made it so popular around the world. “It’s warm, like a blanket, so I don’t have to waste money on portable heating – because believe me, it can get pretty cold in the graveyard at midnight! And the beauty is that it leaves my hands free to move with its adjustable sleeves, so if I want to sip some tea, or wield my sacrificial dagger, it’s all able to be done without letting a chilly draught in. After all, the only chilly draught I’m hoping for is the one of the undead,” she added with a chuckle. “And with our wonderful new reading light available if customers pay with their credit cards, the scriptures of our Moste Fell Manifesto can be read at all hours of the night.”



Above: A young initiate consults the Tome of the Undead - it'll be a while yet until she attempts a sleepover seance.

Customers too, are recognising the value for money found in the Snuggie. “Not only have I found a great snug garment to keep me toasty all winter, but I’ve also since mastered the basics of necromancy, earning myself Certificate II qualifications,” testified one enthused client. “I never thought I’d be able to get back at my husband when he left me. Thanks to the Snuggie, I’ve been able to kill and resurrect him twelve times!”

Above: A crowd gathers at a druid convention.

Other churches are considering ‘cashing in’ on the success of the Snuggie in recruiting a following. Pastor Fredrick McCubbin said “I think that people will be clever enough to realise that the necromancer robes are clearly a plagiarism of the traditional priest’s robes. With a hood. And the added warmth of a fleecy and fluffy material.”

Whatever the reason for the sensation, the Crypt Worms Church of the Pentagon remains optimistic that, with more than 140, 000 members joining the Facebook group, their aim of “raising the Antichrist by 2022” will be “comfortably met – well, comfortably for those who won’t be the subject of his sure and deadly path of wrath and destruction.”

4 comments:

Luna Moony said...

Wow, they sound great. I think I’ll get one. Helping to raise the Dark Lord Satan into life sounds like fun.... if only they came in other colours, I was hoping to get a purple one.

Gelati Gecko said...

Ah well, they may branch out in time I suppose...

Anonymous said...

4000BBY

Anonymous said...

you write well. you should write for sentinel, they love this kind of writing.