Bloggers Slammed as "Manipulative, Needy Vortexes of Death"

In a recent turn of events, a new report has seen public sympathies towards bloggers all but disappear. Dr Einmark, Professor in Social Psychology, last week published a controversial report which labelled bloggers "filthy pieces of putrid fruit stuck to the sole of our society" and "much like the anglerfish in Finding Nemo, which lures the innocent Nemo and unsuspecting Dory with its flashing light, before attempting to eviscerate the loveable duo into a bloody pulp, floating around the ocean like...bloody pulp".

Much like a blogger hunting down comments, Nemo and Dory find themselves confronted by a slavering, blood-thirsty monster of the deep.

He expressed concern over the strategies, employed, such as "writing satirical articles claiming that bloggers need comments or they will fade away, or some such nonsense - made even more reprehensible when they acknowledge its existence in other equally satirical articles arguing the opposing point. Other times, bloggers write that close family members have passed away, just to get an influx of sympathetic comments. I've even seen bloggers lying about guinea pigs with gingivitis." His report inauguarated an emerging branch of psycho-pathology to be defined, "Bloggers should be Flogged", to "deal with this new sinking to unprecedented depths of moral depravity...Finding Nemo pun intended."


Other groups have supported his sentiments, including Mary Wallison from Media Watch. "More and more we are seeing cases where bloggers are guilt-tripping their readers into commenting on their posts, which are usually absolute rubbish anyway. It is wrong, immoral, and unethical. We cannot allow ourselves to be emotionally bullied by these machinating pillars of shitness." She added that "my own daughter revealed yesterday she was a blogger, and I saw she was up to the same abhorrent tricks. I slapped her across the face, just as I implore you to do to any blogger next time you see them, and I have since struck her from the will, severing all ties with her." She added, of her twelve year old single child, "and now that she's been forced to walk the streets for a living, a just punishment has finally been delivered."


Blogging groups have, in the main agreed. "It's true - can't really argue with that," laughed Poornima Saquar. "We're a bunch of scummy, ammoral disfigurements of nature who seek nothing but comments - and we don't care how we get them."


There are a few, however, who sought to defend the reputation of fellow bloggers. "It is unfair to vilify the blogging community, based on the actions of a few," protested Mr Namopolous, avid blogger and author of Self-Indulgent Whingings from my Life, Which I Term a Cesspool of Despair, Despite the Fact that it's Pretty Normal. "I am always sure to uphold values of honesty and integrity...even in the face of adversity, such as the painful divorce I'm going through right now...and with my mother in a mental asylum and my children in jail for triple homicide...surely a sympathetic comment wouldn't go astray..?"